I love to laugh. I’m one of those people who goes into card stores and stands in the aisles, reading the funny cards and chortling. So when I saw some posts on Rejected Candy Heart sayings, I totally cracked up. You know what Candy Hearts are, yes? Those little sugar hearts with sayings such as “Be Mine,” “Hug Me,” “Real Love”? We’ve all seen them, even exchanged them. In fact, I bought a box of them one Valentine’s Day and positioned them all over the house to send Don loving messages. Cute. Sweet. Fun.
And then there are the hearts that you (hopefully) would NEVER give someone you love. You know, with messages like “Meh–You’ll Do,” “Ever Heard of Mints?” or “We Need to Talk.” I like Valentine’s Day as much as the next gal. But some of these rejected sayings had me laughing so hard I snorted. Yes, snorted. Then there were the others…the rude and crude. Someone tell me, please…why do some people think it’s funny to be obscene? It irritated me that such a great idea could be taken down a tasteless, tacky, sophomoric road.
That’s when it hit me. I know a bunch of creative people. (YOU!) People who’ve proven time and again that they like to laugh. And can make others laugh, too, without being crass. So why not have some fun and run a little informal contest here?
Come on, friends. Show off your wit and share your best, funniest rejected heart saying(s). The saying that makes me laugh the hardest will win—you guessed it!—a box of candy hearts! I’ll send it to you myself.
So have at it. Hit me with your best, funniest shot. As Vincini said in The Princess Bride…
“I’m waiting!”
Author Platforms 201 – Part Two – Consistency
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Pass
Next please
Deodorant. It’s a thing.
Crusties are for pizza
Just passin’ thru.
Lover’s digest
yummy tummy
I’m melting!
Boldly going where not heart has gone before
Lips are pips, but teeth are a grind
Ok, I promise, these are (maybe) my last ones:
Be hers
Slap!
I don’t
Save Some 4 Me
Get Your Own
That’s what I think when I have candy 🙂
None of these are original with me:
“I Know” – Hans Solo
U R My Oxford Comma
Eat More Chickin
“Eat more chickin” inspires this one –
UR Long Pig
Long Pig is New Guinea Pidgin for ‘people as food’; reputed to taste like chicken according to, of all people, Maria von Trapp (cf. her autobiography…really!)
Husband and dog missing ..offering reward for the dog.
So, how many cats do you have?
Who can follow all that?
All I got was a vision of Porky poppin’ chocolates
That’s All Folks
Having fun reading all these! Here are mine:
Forget me, no really
Be making my dinner
I loved you
Yours figuratively
You did the best you could.
I think, therefore I’m out.
Taken, not stirred.
Maybe next year
Mama’s boy
I’ve got a brother
Try another bag
I’m not your frog
She loves me not
Cubic zirconia
Can I sniff your butt?
Buzz off honey
Nice but no cigar
Kiss me goodbye
Oh, please
Gimme a break
Bor—ing
Squeeze your dog
Buy some nerds
Hit the road jock
How about
c’est non
or perhaps…
bon…not!
Almost forgot the Swahili version,,,
Jambo, Jumbo!
and with sincere apologies to Richard Lovelace, here’s the nadir of my offerings…
I could not love thee, dear, so well,
loved I not…what’s that SMELL?
Here’s another:
Be Mine. Not!
Susie knew Mike was not good with words. To say he was an introvert was, well, understating the obvious. But . . . She saw beyond the crusty facade he put on for everyone else. She knew, deep down, he was a romantic at heart. And this–this proved it! A hand-made card, painstakingly (if childishly) crafted. And inside, not only a hand-printed note, “Hoping this works,” but five candy hearts. And . . . and these directions: “Numbers on back. Put in order.”
Hands trembling, heart pounding, she arranged the little jewels of love in order. There was number 1.”What if?” Oh . . . Good start!
2, 3 . . .
Message assembled, she stared at the cryptic message . . .
What If . . . Love Waits . . . Until . . . Prenup . . . Agreed?
I’ll pass
mother nature was wrong
I learned my lesson
going, going, gone…
obviously still looking
“Rn’t u gone yet?”
“XOXO….Where’s my gum?”
“Uhm, could I see bachelor # 2?”
“Are we the last two people on Earth?”
“Kiss Me! -Wait, where are my teeth?”
Well, I’ve read and laughed and laughed and reread, and I can’t choose just one. Now remember, these were rejected sayings, so they can be long. Drum roll, please…
Here are the four that made me laugh the hardest and longest:
I think, therefore I’m out. (Carrie Talbot)
Uhm, could I see bachelor #2? (Sabrina Cornman)
XO? No! (Keli Gwyn)
Two Words: Restraining Order (Heather FitzGerald)
Thanks to each of you–and to everyone who took part–for the guffaws. And you four laugh-meisters, I have a box of candy hearts for each of you. They’re sitting on my desk, waiting to wing their way to you, so send your snail mail address to my assistant Peggy, at pwhitson@stevelaube.com, and they’ll be on their way!
Happy Valentine’s Day, folks. And may you NEVER receive a candy heart with ANY of these messages.
Just remembered to check back! Nice surprise. Thank you so much 🙂
Oops! Forgot to add this:
Special Mention/Appreciation goes to Andrew Budeck-Schmeisser for an abundance of wit!