I love my work as a literary agent. It’s a joy to represent some of the best authors writing today (and the rest of the best are represented by other Steve Laube Agency agents). But there are some kinds of writers I’m not interested in representing. Here’s a short list:

Careless writers, such as the person whose cover letter began, “I am submitting my payer book propsal.” Or the proposal that included the “promo sentence,” “Why is their evil in the world…” In both cases, I shock my head and delined.

Deluded writers, including one who sent along “the best unpublished novel ever that you may come across.” Or another who claimed, “This will be bigger than Game of Thrones, more magical than Harry Potter, and more philosophical than the Alchemist.” Or yet another who stated, “What current titles would compete with my book for readers? The Bible.”

New Age writers, like one who recently emailed, saying, “I am a past life regression hypnotherapist, astrologer, human design reader, mentor and modern mystic.” Plus, this person eschewed the Oxford comma. Sigh.

Profane writers, like one who pitched a “low-key spiritual book” that proudly featured the F-word in the title (and no, I don’t mean “falafel”). I know that’s all the rage (the F-word, not falafel), but it’s not something I choose to consider.

Writers who don’t understand the importance of knowing their genre. Sure, I receive frequent “fiction novel” submissions, and recently even a proposal for a “nonfiction novel.” Fun stuff. But a pitch for a “war novel/novel of espionage or corporate crime/psychological thriller/historical novel” was not as compelling as you might think, “all of the above” not being a genre most publishers are acquiring.

Writers who don’t quite grasp the Christian market, such as the one writer who pitched a “fiction novel” that “is somewhat similar in tone to E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey” [sic, sic, and sick].

I realize that we all have to start somewhere. I also realize that you, as a reader of this blog, don’t fall into any of these categories (thank you for that). And, while I try always to be kind, and often to be helpful, it is often a challenge for me, like other literary agents, to sort through these kinds of submissions to get to your shining pearl of a proposal. That’s why it often takes so much time.

But I’m always on the lookout (as I say often) for full fiction and nonfiction proposals that feature irresistible hooks and irresistible writing. So, send yours to me when it’s ready. Just be sure not to check any of the boxes above.