I love the English language. It’s been very good to me. But it can be a booger too. For example, you know that a slim chance and a fat chance are the same, right? And a wise man and a wise guy don’t mean the same thing?
It’s a crazy language. And those who must learn it as a second language face many strange twists and turns—as do those of us who try to speak and write with something resembling clarity and erudition. So, in the service of all humanity, I offer the following quick list of some of the mysteries of my native language:
10. If oranges are orange, why isn’t the color yellow called “banana?” Or bananas called “yellows?”
9. If writers write and painters paint, why don’t fingers fing? If teachers have taught, why haven’t preachers praught? Why don’t grocers groce?
8. If you throw out some odds and ends, but keep one item, is it an odd or an end?
7. Why is there no other word for “synonym?”
6. How can it be possible that the Oxford English Dictionary has 192 definitions for the word “set?”
5. How is it that your nose can run and your feet can smell?
4. How odd that is it the letters “ough” can be pronounced in eight different ways? (e.g., “A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.”)
3. How can your house burn up while it’s burning down, forms are filled out by being filled in, and an alarm that’s gone off is still going on?
2. Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult?
And, perhaps my favorite mystery of the English language:
1. Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?
4 Questions a Fiction Proposal Must Answer
Buzzards do not sound like bees,
white grapes are really green,
and each good fella that one sees
lives Mafiosi dream.
A cloudless sky is cheerful,
described as brightest blue,
but when we’re sad and tearful,
why’s this colour used there, too?
You can be bound for lovely things
(unless bound to a stake);
stress may buckle eagle’s wings,
but not to buckle belt’s mistake.
And a clip joint’s plan’s to separate
you from stowed money-clip weight.
You’re a peach to collect so many snippets of English that are bananas!
You guys are much smarter and more entertaining than I, so I’ll just read and enjoy!
A foreign woman of my acquaintance one told a gathering of Americans that she “didnt want to beat off the bush”. When I explained the reaction of the group, she said something in her language which I didn’t understand except for the word “English”.
Bob, this was hysterical. When I saw the title of your blog, I thought you might talk about the same pronunciation of the words “there, they’re, and their.” Teaching below the Mason Dixon line, there is some confusion with “are” and “our.” Regional accents can play havoc with the English language.
My favorite—number 4. 🤯😃
Lovely. Thank you for your Fun Wednesday!
English is very complex for us non-Native speaker. However, I always found the grammar simpler than the romance languages.
Furthermore, English’s beauty is its simplicity. You can say a lot with a few words which makes it an ideal language for business.
I wish English was Spanish, Italian or Japanese, languages that are always pronounced the way the word is spelled.
Nevertheless, this was a funny post about the contradictions of the English language.
Thank you, Bob.
The ability of language to convey different meanings is often housed in the intent of the one speaking and/or the disposition of the one spoken to. (Sorry for ending a sentence in a preposition.) In Owen Wister’s classic novel, “The Virginian,” the hero’s friend Steve calls him an insulting name and no offense is taken, but, when the villain Trampas calls him the same name, the Virginian pulls his pistol and says, “When you call me that, smile!”
You’re a treasure, Sir Hostetler. I nominate you for an OBE. Odd But Entertaining.
Why is “non-hyphenated” hyphenated, but “hyphenated” is not hyphenated?
Love it.
I loved this- so true!
There is TWO meaning number. She had two books in her hands.
There is TO which is a preposition. He filled his cup to the brim.
There is TOO which means also, or excessive number. There were too many to count.
Now, please tell me how many of them there are in the English language.
I really enjoyed your observations. Here is another one. Why do we drive on a parkway, but park in a driveway?
I’ll have to run this by a couple of “flat earthers” I know. They’ll tell me it’s all a government conspiracy.
I love writing about idioms and other English expressions. If our language baffles those of us who speak English, imagine what it does for our English-as-a-second-language friends.
I taught third grade classes where many of the students were English language learners. Since I use many idioms, I taught the students what an idiom is, and rewarded them for catching them. Then I explained what they meant. Wouldn’t that just melt your pocket comb?
Oh Bob, I nearly cried laughing at the truth of this. Well done. Recently, my four-year-old shed real tears over the fact the word for the the number 1 doesn’t start with a W. “Oh sweetie,” I told her. “It gets much worse than that.”