I recently posted on social media about my (possibly unhealthy) love for em dashes—that is, the dashes that are the width of the letter m, often used to set off examples, explanations, or descriptions, as I did in this sentence. (See how beautiful it is?)
An editor friend named Linda commented, “This is so me. I love the em-dash. Nothing aggravates me more when editing than when a writer incorrectly uses hyphens, en-dashes, and em-dashes as if they are interchangeable.”
I agree, it’s irritating. But I can think of some things that irritate me more. Like “I” used as an object (“Mary went to the mall with Brandon and I”). And “could of” instead of “could’ve.” And your instead of you’re. And they’re instead of there. Or their. Or confusing it’s and its. I know, I know, I’m petty. Irritable. Unreasonable. But so’s your old man.
Likewise, I have little patience (in general, but specifically) for those who try to make a word plural by using an apostrophe. Such as, “Deep-fried Oreo’s.” Nope. Or “Open Sunday’s.” No, just no. Or “Using Apostrophe’s Well.” Nopity, nope, nope. Repeat after me: An apostrophe never makes a word plural. Say it again: An apostrophe never makes a word plural. One more time: An apostrophe never makes a word plural.
Oh, and commas. Don’t get me started on commas. Too late! But look, I know standards have changed over the years and readers tend to like fewer commas these days. But fewer vs. more is seldom the issue; misplacement is. So, for example, when I see a sentence like “The biggest things that drive me crazy, are misplaced commas,” I can’t, even.
And, if I may be super-picky (like I haven’t been so already?), I get a tad annoyed by an S at the end of toward, backward, onward, forward, etc. Unless it’s done by an author or character in any part of the (current or former) British Empire, because using more letters than are necessary is a favourite characteristic (see what I did there?) of those folks.
But enough hate already. You know what I love? As an agent, editor, and reader? In addition to em dashes? Obviously, I love good spelling and grammar. I love proper punctuation. I love a clean, well-formatted manuscript.
I also love learning something new as I’m reading both fiction and nonfiction. I love sharp, expressive, evocative titles and irresistible hooks. I love seeing or hearing a book pitch that makes me think, Why has no one ever thought of that before?
I love subject-verb-object. I love crisp dialogue. I love uniquely quirky characters. I love self-deprecating humor. I love writing that makes me laugh, cry, or feel compelled to read it aloud to my wife.
I love words. Well-written sentences. And writing that leaves me wanting more.
Your Servant, Madame
Poor comma’s, and apostrophe’s
getting so misused,
by these writing wanna-be’s
benighted, and confused
and not at all the master’s,
who think theirselves so sly.
They’re word’s are just disaster’s,
as seen by you and I.
I could of gone on all the more
down this path of ire,
but outsides the eastern door
the morning’s skies a fire,
thats burning off the river-fog’s
and now, forwards to walk the dog’s!
BAHAHAHA!!
You’re bootiful po–try give’s smile’s to other readers’ and I.
Cringiest.
I love reading your posts. Thank you!
Thank you for the laugh this morning. I have many of the same pet peeves. 🤣
And I love this post. I’ve wondered about toward/towards before. And subject-verb-object. (I tend to overuse subordinate introductory clauses to vary sentence structure—often beginning with -ing!) Thanks for giving me two answers and a good laugh this morning.
Andrew, if I were still teaching, I would use your hilarious poem. Bob, I have all those same loves and hates. I do wonder about one thing though. I know the hyphen and the em-dash, but what is the en-dash?
After reading your brilliant post, I have determined that you will love my book. Just kidding.
Oh, Bobbert,
The toward versus towards one has grated on my poor nerves for decades. I’ve even been in arguments with those who believe me to be mistaken about toward, but toward it is and toward it shall be.
Hey, I’m Canadian and I dislike simplified English–removing letters from words and commas where a pause clarifies meaning. But alas, we’re dependent on you, our American neighbours, for many things, including publishing, so we will do it your way and be grateful for the services. But there is value in keeping some of the old ways and I hope there’ll be a movement towards that sentiment.
Oh, Bob. 💯% And this sentence, “… compelled to read it aloud to my wife.” made me SPITLAUGHMYCOFFEE. In my house, both parties are guilty.
Thank you for a dandy post.
I don’t write that kinda stuff. My teachers done learned me good!
Too funny. All the cringeworthy mistakes I’ve made summed in a tidy post. Learning from them is one thing. Repeating them, well, all I can say is get a really good editor and pay attention! And, BTW, in Michigan, people tend to add an s to all kinds of things. Every store name is turned into the possessive form. Which is fine in colloquial dialogue, not so much in narrative. Drives me nuts—especially when that Midwest twang bullies into my writing and tempts me to tack on that plur-if-icating twist. 🤪
What!? I can’t use, an S on backward?!! But, oh, I must, I must!! Its a Canadian thing, you, know.
Seriously, thanks, for these reminder’s.
Are you screaming yet?!!?
😉
In my line of work, students either love commas or have no idea what they are for. Sometimes, they use semi-colons and commas interchangeably. It’s kind of like public speaking. The record number of “ums/uhs” for a five-minute speech is 120. The record for “like” is 54…..Such is life.
Bob, you’re singing my song. Thanks.
Before I retired, my previous students would ask, “why do we need to know all this boring stuff?” And I would say, “So that you aren’t publicly embarrassed when you are writing an introductory letter trying to get a job interview or a college scholarship. People you are texting don’t necessarily care if you use numbers for letters, but there are times and places when knowing the right way to do things counts. If you are going to the mall with your friends, your language and demeanor will not be the same as it is if you are accompanying your grandmother who wants to buy you a birthday gift. We call it code switching. And sometimes it doesn’t matter. But when it does, it really does.”