Listen! Do you hear it? It’s been there all month, echoing in the background. The sound of hundreds of thousands of fingers tap-tap-tapping away. Yes, it’s here again:
NaNoWriMo!
That grand adventure of joining with other writers worldwide from November 1-30 to uplift and encourage each other as you write a novel in a month.
A full novel.
In one month.
Sound impossible? Well, I confess I’ve never given it a try. But I know lots of writers who have and they love it. Love the camaraderie, love the sense that they’re not alone in the endeavor, love all the resources and pep talks they find at the NaNoWriMo website, love the sense of accomplishment. So this blog is to say kudos to those who have jumped in, whether for the first or tenth time! You’re getting close to the finish line, folks. So…
Kudos!
And now let’s give the NaNoWriMo writers–and the rest of us–a chance to share what many consider the most important part of your manuscript: the first line. We did this back in July, and it was great fun. So let’s give it another go.
Whether you write fiction or nonfiction, your first line is all about engagement. Capturing attention, drawing the reader into your book, winning readers’ buy-in to the message only you can deliver. So let’s hear it, friends. Fiction or nonfiction, share the first line—and ONLY the first line–of your work in progress!
Here’s mine, from a nonfiction book I’m working on:
Deep in the soul of a writer is a dark, sneering voice that never shuts up.
Your Turn!
Déjà Vu All Over Again – Indie (AND) Traditional Publishing
Your work is always amazing, so it’s intimidating to throw my first line out there, but here goes.
Kristin Taylor’s knees shook knowing the next words spoken could forever change not only her life, but the life of a man she’d never met.
I’d love to hear your feedback. Thanks!
Jackie, two things to massage:
First, as written, you’re saying her knees know that the next words spoken could change lives. Fix: Kristin Taylor couldn’t stop shaking…
Second, we’re in her POV, so we know that she knows. If she doesn’t, we can’t. So try: Kristin Taylor couldn’t stop shaking. The next words spoken could…
and so on. 🙂
Thanks, Karen. I’ll take your advice and work on this.
“This is the day my father will die.”
But really, I like the first three sentences as a “first line” because they work together:
“This is the day my father will die. It’s my first thought as I breathe in the close air beneath the pillow. The second thought is like it: the ice on the river is melted.”
Erin, I thought the first line worked great on it’s own! : )
I’m with Erin! That first line is powerful.
There is something deep inside the soul of each one of us, that is desperate to find na’ava; to find a beauty that never fades.
This is my first NaNoWriMo experience and I have to say it is intense. Unfortunately with the schedule I keep I have not been able to attend the write ins, but yes the encouragement and resources have been wonderful. Not sure if I will finish it that month but it has been exhilarating!
“I watched him; sweat beaded on his forehead, his fingers clenched and his eyes avoided mine.”
Great start, but I WATCHED HIM is telling. Get us deeper into the character’s POV. Something along these lines:
Sweat beaded his forehead. His fingers clenched, trembled. And he looked everywhere but at my narrowed, watching eyes.
The grinding machine’s twenty-four steel hammers each swung more than five hundred times per minute, converting the hay bale and Catherine Mae Blackston into cattle feed.
It’s Christian fiction. Can’t you tell? 🙂
Ooh, yes!
Yes, Tom. I can tell. And I am definitely intrigued.
Love it! Just a formatting fix: The grinding machine’s twenty-four steel hammers each swung more than five hundred times per minute, converting the hay bale–and Catherine Mae Blackston– into cattle feed.
Hi Karen! Yep, I’ve been back and forth on that several times. My informal poll has readers split almost 50/50. Half like it with the offset/pause. The other half are vehement that I leave it alone. Their reaction was to read the sentence and go “Wait. What did I just read?” and then reread it. They loved it that way. So I’m still debating! Funny how involved a writer can be in just one sentence, isn’t it?
Love those first lines! All of them! Did the trick–made me want to read more!
Here’s a couple of mine:
“He had waited a full year longer than the rest of them, and now that his time had come he wanted it more than any of the rest of them ever did.”
Or this one: “It is never too late for love.”
Chris, with your first line, get us deeper into the character’s emotions.
Finally. It was his turn. He’d waited a year longer than the rest. But now his time had come…he wanted it.
More than any of them ever had.
“Clara Vanek’s knees weren’t what they used to be.”
Really sets me up for the next line. Good job!
You know I love this, Jenny. 🙂
He pushed down hard on my shoulders, forcing me to sit, my mouth opened, and I admitted aloud to myself: ” I had cancer last year.”
Remember, the purpose of the first line is to hook the reader, to engage them and draw them into the story. With this first line I’m more confused than hooked. The first section feels threatening, but what she says doesn’t mesh with that. So as a reader I need a bit more clarity as to the emotion of what’s happening.
Your critique shows the exact emotions I intended the reader to experience, including the creation in the reader’s mind of a large question mark, which generally engages and propels a reader to further reading and discovery of “what’s going on here”. I’m pleased with the effect my first line had on you. Remember, always give the reader what s/he doesn’t expect.
Thanks! JK
The sun went down the same way it came up–in pieces.
Definitely gets my attention, Davalynn! Makes me want to keep reading. I need to know more!
Love it!
Nice!
Very nice!
I like it.
Beautiful! Very lyrical.
“Yashmea laid his calloused hand on the shimmering oak railing of the Lodge, closed his fiery eyes, and breathed deeply.”
Thanks for sharing!
Beverly, there’s a bit of POV trouble here (HIS FIERY EYES is problematic…I’m guessing we’re in his POV, and he can’t see that his eyes are fiery), along with some telling (BREATHED DEEPLY). I like the sense we get of Yashmea, but the first line doesn’t really grab us emotionally. You need to hit the reader with some kind of emotional impact to pull them in. It’s not clear what the emotion is here.
Hope that helps!
Nothing can prepare you for that first night on the streets…the cold, the fear, and all the animals and noises.
This is nonfiction and it’s not mine. Credit goes to Freddie, a homeless man I know who recently gave his testimony in public. This line was in the middle of his speech, but I think it would be a great opening line if Freddie ever wrote his story. (And if I can help it, he just might do that!)
Tell Freddie to get writing!
Oh, and by the way, you sold me with you’re first line, Karen. I want more!
Thanks!
“Sunshine streamed through an open window and cast an eerie light into the midst of morning.”
Mysterious and moody. Nice. I’d make one change:
…open window, casting an eerie light…
The items in my jewelry box represented lies, broken promises, and pain.
Intriguing first line. Well done.
Here’s mine. I have two because I’m not sure which one to use.
1. “My heart chose the truth. My conscience chose the lie.”
or
2. “Wisa Mar’c trusts me—Sa’dora, a new recruit.”
I like #1. It’s intriguing. Says a lot about the character.
Thanks, that’s the one I’m leaning toward. I just didn’t know if it said enough to be a good hook.
I’d definitely go with #1.
#1 is compelling. I love it.
That kid Alexander, the one with the really bad day, never came home to find his trailer converted to a meth lab.
Just a little tweak…
That kid Alexander, the one with the really bad day? I bet he never came home to find his trailer converted to a meth lab.
Love it!
Thanks! Your improvement is making me consider changing the POV of this novel to the first person…
Oh, I love that.
This is fun! Okay, my first line from my historical romance:
“Perfect day to rob a train.”
Ha! That’s a fun line!
Wow! Intriguing first lines and so much creativity in the comments. When I looked at my manuscript, I realized the second line has more oomph than the first so maybe I should switch things around. Here’s the NEW first line:
Blue light, the muted shade of a twilight sky, shone behind the rectangular panes of the pale brick building.
Johnnie, I’d steer clear of first lines that describe night skies or buildings. Those things tend to be static. You need someone active, emotive, to draw people in. What’s the emotion you want to communicate? What’s the tone, the mood? Is there danger? Excitement? Fear? Give us those things rather than a description.
Thanks!
The contest might have been a crazy idea, but it was the only one they had.
Draws me right in. I want to know what’s going on, and I’ve already got a cast of quirky characters in my head.
This collection of first lines make me want to read every single book. What a feast! Here’s mine.
Thousands of people in Living Way Church shifted forward, straining for a first look at Pastor Andy Jenkins, but Livy settled back and yawned.
Nice! Tells me Livy has an attitude for some reason…
Joe, I’m intrigued.
Thanks, Jenni. That’s a good thing.
I was a bit of a late bloomer—always had been—and this was no different.
Just one thing…
The “always had been” takes away the punch of “and this was no different.” It says the narrator is always a late bloomer, so saying this was no different seems redundant. Maybe…
I was a bit of a late bloomer as a kid. And this was no different.
Hmm, still needs work. But you’re on the right track.
Thank you for all the time you spend on these exchanges. You helped me with my pitch here on the blog before the ACFW 2014. I used it there and got an agent.
How about…
I’d always been a bit of a late bloomer. And this was no different. I got the role of Sugar Plum Fairy for the first time at the age of 29. That’s probably 187 in professional-ballerina years, but I tried not to let that bother me.
Better?
Thanks!
Patricia,
Pardon me for sticking my nose in here, but I wonder if your third sentence would be a good first line.
I got the role of Sugar Plum Fairy for the first time at the age of 29.
What do you think?
The late bloomer bit is there for circularity purposes, but I suppose I could move it down a little without sacrificing the effect. It’s a thought. Thanks!
How fun! From my next two books:
“The bomb killed four people.” Mike Higgins, rookie cop from Kellogg, Idaho, snapped his fingers. “Just like that.”
-(The Bones Will Speak)
She really looked dead.
-(Serpent Signs)
-Carrie (muhahaha)
Just a formatting tweak:
“The bomb killed four people”–Mike Higgins, rookie cop from Kellogg, Idaho, snapped his fingers–“just like that.”
Moon over Maalaea Bay — actually this is the first paragraph:
In light of recent events, she should be dead. Jennifer Akihara should no longer exist. And now she doesn’t.
The thought brought a smile to her lips.
Now, now, you only get to use the first line. Which is okay, ‘cuz that’s a strong first line!
Karen, LOVE that first line. Write more. : )
I am!
The siren split the night like a watermelon.
From my first ever NaNoWriMo wip, Whispering Widow.
Reba Cross Seals
The intent here is great, but what you’re saying as written is that it split the night like a watermelon would split it. You need to complete the comparison…
The siren split the night like an ax splitting a watermelon.
Okay, that doesn’t work, but you see what I mean.
I love the first lines in this post! They drew me in and made me want to read more.
I’d like to share two of mine.
From the novel I just finished last week:
It wasn’t fair. Fathers shouldn’t live as long as his had.
From the one I’m working on now:
The unarmed teenager lay dying at his feet, and Lucius wanted to vomit.
I like the Lucius line!
These are wonderful lines, and I love the interaction! Thanks for taking part.
That sounds like a book I need to read, Karen! When is it coming out? 😉
I love exercises like this. It’s so fun to see what everyone is coming up with. Here’s mine, but be forewarned, this is a rough draft! LOL. I’m going to have to work on it some.
The crack of rifle fire sent a shot of panic through Caleb as he sat in his attorney office.
From my brand new WIP–the one I started for NaNo! 🙂
“This family is a lie.”
That’s it!
I’m loving these great first lines! So much fun to see what others are working on…
Oo, nice! Great emotion.
What fun!
“Charlie Everman walked along the beach, his heart heavy with the memory of the things he’d lost.”
Vanetta, I want to know more, which means it’s all good. 🙂
Vannetta, very nice. Just a few tweaks to tighten up and use words that are a bit stronger:
“Charlie Everman walked along the beach, his heart aching at the memory of all he’d lost.”
Okay…. here’s mine:
“He crawled up out of the darkness.”
Ah, Michael, you never disappoint! I want more!
You bet! It’s in the works even as we speak. 🙂
Everyone’s lines are so good! Mine never are in the first draft. I’m embarrassed to even share my NaNo first line but in an effort to be get over myself, here goes:
Alli groaned but took the mic from Janelle, to the whoops and cheers of the crowd–her would-be friends.
Michelle, looking good, friend! Can’t wait to see where this goes.
War was upon them.
I’d love to see another clause. “War was upon them, and…” what? Maybe that’s just me.
Short and to the point. I like it. There’s so much tension and drama contained in just the word “war.” Well done.
I love reading great first lines, and there are some really good ones here.
I have two, and I can’t decide. Which do you like better?
Option 1: There were only two people in Rachel Adams’s life who had never betrayed her. One of them was fourteen days old, and the other had mysteriously quit answering her phone.
Option 2: Reagan McAdams had been dead more than a decade when Rachel resurrected her.
I love both actually, but I’m gearing more towards the second one, because it made me tilt my head and go, “What?” A whole lot of questions followed, which is a good sign as far as first lines go.
The first one, however, I found really amusing. It made me smile.
So yeah… I guess depending on what tone you’re going for in your first chapter – amusing/intriguing or mysterious/intriguing – either line can work.
Thanks for the input. Right now, they’re the first lines of the first two scenes, but I’m going to have to cut one.
Robin, I really like option 1. I can relate to the betrayal issue, so a pang was produced when I read it.
Thanks, Jenni. I just can’t decide.
Earth.
What I wouldn’t give to see it from there, Tom Cheridon thought, looking up at the night sky.
I’m not sure about “Tom Cheridon thought.” Maybe, “Earth. What I wouldn’t give to see it from there. Tom Cheridon looked into the night sky and dreamed.”
Or did something else. But that eliminates the “thought,” which is awkward.
Heather, using deep POV here would give us more of the emotion. I’d italicize the thoughts, and use them to bookend the beat. I can’t format text in the comments, so pretend they’re italicized. Something like…
Earth.Tom Cheridon looked up at the night sky. What I wouldn’t give to see it from there.
Thanks for the input. I’m enjoying these posts and learning a lot. God bless and Happy Thanksgiving to all!
“Sometimes, I feel like the princess of nothing.”
—
Feels like an incomplete thought, but well, that’s the first line. If anything, I’m curious to find out if the line makes you curious enough to read more. 🙂
By the way, I absolutely love first lines (and there are some really great ones here)!
Interesting. Is she a princess? That’s my question, and I would want to read more to find out.
Thanks for the feedback! I’ll let the next few lines answer your question:
Cale wasn’t sure whether he was more surprised by the strange statement coming from the princess’ lips or the wistful way that she said it – like it was the most wonderful notion that had ever crossed her mind.
“So what does that make me? A warrior of nothing?”
“That would be correct.”
Yes, it makes me curious. And I like the followup paragraph. Nicely done.
Wow. It’s amazing to me that you took the time to read these comments and respond to them. Thank you!
I’m enjoying these responses and replies. Here’s mine from Sarah and the Midnight Cruise to Catalina Island.
Oh no, not the ocean. Please, please, please—not the deep-sea.
Gay, what’s your genre? If it’s YA, that might work. Still, the redundancy bothers me. First, “Oh, no, not…” and then, “please, please, please.” Seems the point could be stronger if you use fewer words.
Thanks Robin. You are right. Too much redundancy. Genre if fantasy. Sarah is a novice angel who romantically links couples, but she is a Lucy Ricardo. Lots of mayhem and humor. In this setting, she doesn’t know if she can swim and her assignment is to unite a couple via a cruise. I write a series, and in the last book, Sarah found that the waves in Galveston, TX made her nauseous, so not only does she fear drowning with soggy wings, but she’s afraid she might throw up on the humans. Thanks for the suggestion.
Gay, this sounds like a fun book!
Has this character appeared in previous books? Is her use of repetitions already established? If it’s part of her voice–that she’s a bit melodramatic–then it will work.
Yes, thanks Karen,
My character, Sarah, appears in a series. She’s a dyslexic angel who comes to earth to help humans but she’s more like Lucy Ricardo. Lots of humor, inspiration, and mayhem.
I’ll play…
“The sound of frantic movement through dry leaves shattered the peaceful silence of the spring morning.”
This is my 7th year doing NaNo and I still love it 🙂
Emile, what does frantic movement sound like?
Velcro tearing, a rat scratching in the walls, etc.?
Haha Jenni good question. I’d say “frantic movement through dry leaves” sounds like fall… 😀
As someone who has owned ferrets–and had to deal with an infestation of Norway rats on our property–I’m well acquainted with the sound of frantic movements in dry leaves! So it communicated to me right away. 🙂
I remember. The crimson sky, the cool breeze, the smell of hills. I remember when I heard. I remember when I believed.
Pamela, I like that. A lot!
Thank you, Karen. I appreciate your comment. I met you at Mt. Hermon last spring. This is my “new direction.” I look forward to working with you someday. Pamela
Thanks for the input. Here is a revision:
Earth.
Tom Cheridon looked up at the night sky dreaming something he knew wouldn’t happen in his lifetime.
Hmm, I think I like the bit about how he wished he could see it from up there. Maybe:
Earth.
If only he could see it from up there. Tom Cheridon gazed at the night sky. Not in this lifetime.
Is that better? I don’t know.
Death had a way of creeping up on a soul, and Ivy Thorpe was determined, when it visited her, she would not be surprised.
Jamie, I love the beginning of the line, but the ending doesn’t seem strong enough for me. Is it that Ivy refuses to be surprised, or is there something more? Something stronger? Maybe that she’ll look it straight in the eye, or something like that?
Just a thought.
At the dimming of the day Caroline Bower uncovered her secret and went flower picking.
Jenni, I get what you’re wanting to do here–show that she did something earth shattering then just went to pick flowers. But we need a bit more of the tension here. Who was impacted by her secret? What was the impact…?
At the dimming of the day Caroline Bower uncovered her secret, then left her stunned family to their drama–and went flower picking.
Yeah, not quite there. But you see what I mean? We need to see more of the contrast for the flower picking to work.
PROLOGUE
It had been a bright, sunny, late September day when Amelia Randal first noticed the door and matching side window.
Chapter 1
It was almost nine P.M. The fog and heavy rain kept the light from the streetlamps contained to narrow pools at the foot of the poles. Light shimmered off a green rain slicker as a slight figure ducked under an awning over the basement steps at the back side of Knowlby’s Antiques and Auction House.
Now, now, Sabrina. First line only! So:
It had been a bright, sunny, late September day when Amelia Randal first noticed the door and matching side window.
Good start, but we need something stronger to draw us in.
Fun 🙂 I’ll play, too.
Adrian is going to burn me alive.
Very nice!
This is fun and I now want to read many of your books, just by reading the first line. It really is important. Thanks Karen!
My first line is only five words, from my YA fiction novel:
“Death continues to find me.”
Rebecca, thanks for the kind words. And I want to read the rest of your story, too! Great first line.
Thank you Karen.
I stood there like a stone statue draped in damp black silk while the rain poured down in heavy wet waves as they lowered my husband’s coffin into the ground.
Brandy, too much description tends to slow the impact of the line. Do we need to know int the first line that she’s dressed in black silk? Also, saying the rain poured in wet waves is redundant. There’s no such thing as dry rain. 🙂 So maybe:
I stood there like a stone statue, the rain pouring down in heavy waves, as they lowered my husband into the ground.
Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. 🙂
What do you think of this opening line instead:
The heavens wept as they lowered my husband’s coffin into the ground, and I was grateful because no one could tell that I hadn’t shed a tear.
Kendall Wallis toyed with the ornate silver dessert fork until her husband’s gentle touch alerted her to the waiter’s efforts to clear the table.
Lois, it’s nice, but there’s not enough of a hook here to pull me into the story. You need to tap into the emotion more.
“Late again,” Malcolm muttered as he swung the heavy oaken door open.
Your use of verbs and adjectives makes this one work. Muttered and heaven oaken door create a sense of apprehension. Nice!
Biblical historical fiction, just finished my first draft.
“Benaiah’s first mission was clear; sneak past the guard without disclosing his reason for leaving.”
Pia, if he’s sneaking past the guard he won’t have to disclose anything. So the last part of the line is redundant with sneak past the guard. Better to focus on the consequences if he’s discovered…so something like:
Banaiah’s first mission was clear: sneak past the guard–a man all too ready to wield his razor-edged sword.
Karen, in this case, the guard is his mother, and he is a still a kid trying to sneak out of the house, so the consequences aren’t quite so dire. I just wanted to show him as a kid, feeling like everything was a mission.