Thanks for your feedback on having accountability partners (or, as I’ll call them from this point on, APs). As I researched this issue, I realized there are a couple of things to consider:
What you need to have/do for this to work
What your AP(s) need to have/do for this to work
And I also realized there is a LOT involved in those two things, so we’ll tackled them over the next few weeks. So let’s jump in by asking one of two vital questions:
Question #1: Am I Willing to Be Honest?
The very first thing you need, if having APs is going to work for you, is the willingness to be transparent and honest. Remember, we’re talking about people who will be your encouragers as well as your challengers. You need to let them know what’s going on in your heart and mind. What’s really going on. I’m telling you right now that there are two words that should never leave your lips in your conversations with your APs: “I’m fine.” We all know that usually means, “I’m NOT fine, but I’m not telling you what’s going on.” (And Internet jokes notwithstanding, both men and women use it this way.)
I’m not saying your APs will become your Father confessors, although, of course, they could. What I’m saying is you have to be willing to be transparent. Otherwise this will never work. If you’re struggling with envy over another writer’s success, say so. If you’ve been sick and discouraged and haven’t written a single word, say so. If you’ve had other things that took precedence because they really needed to do so, then say so. This isn’t about condemnation! It’s about having a team of folks to encourage and uplift you. And, if you really, truly need it, to give you a bit of a grace-filled shove.
Over the years I’ve seen, in my own life and the lives of others, that one of the greatest tools the enemy uses against us is isolation. Many of us have had times where when life gets hard and ugly and disappointing, and we respond by withdrawing. We pull our woundedness or failures around us and slink away, immersed in a false sense of worthlessness, of not wanting to inflict ourselves—or our moods, or our weaknesses, or whatever–on others. But here’s the bald truth, friends: that’s not a biblical response. And, really, when we do that, when we isolate ourselves, we’re not “protecting” others. We’re protecting ourselves from having to acknowledge weaknesses or where we were wrong. From having to tell others that we’ve gone off the rails, and from having to do the hard work of surrendering to God’s correction and—wait for it!—make changes. Oy! That’s hard.
But being honest this way, being transparent, is healing and freeing. And it’s Scriptural. Consider:
Jeremiah 5:3: Lord, you are searching for honesty.
Psalm 32: 1-5: What joy for those…whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
Proverbs 28:13-14: People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy. Blessed are those who fear to do wrong, but the stubborn are headed for serious trouble.
Philippians 2:1-4: Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
And that’s exactly why having APs is such a valuable practice. Because these people are there for you, in the good and, most especially, in the bad. They’re there to speak truth and encouragement, to confront when needed, and to help you back on the path God’s set you on. They are there to work with you with one mind and purpose.
The week after Thanksgiving, we’ll explore the second vital question to ask yourself. Until then, I’d love to know your thoughts about today’s question.
When I received a book contract one of the first things I did was set up a prayer and accountability team. I asked about 8 people I trusted to share prayer requests with. I set up a private Face Book group and LOVED knowing that I had sisters who had my back.
I didn’t have a sign up sheet, this was not an influencer list. I prayerfully picked people, mostly older, and who were prayer warriors. I let them know specific requests and struggles.
The book only has my name on the cover….but it was a team effort.
I have had wonderful accountability partners on my road to publication and beyond. Although we are all busy now with manuscripts and deadlines, we know we can depend on each other when we need help with anything. Yes, they are honest, and that makes me a better writer.
My prayer warriors are on my list of important people to have in my life. They prayed for me to be offered a contract back before my first book, and now they have bought and read every book I’ve written even though I offered to give them copies. With that kind of support, I am motivated to keep busy.
Karen, this is such a great question. My hubby has a gift for discipleship, and often it also includes accountability as he meets with men one on one. I’ve learned much about accountability from him, including the necessity of grace. And prayer. And above all, honesty. Having an accountability partner and not being transparent defeats the whole purpose. That being said, that’s where grace and gentleness come in—when we’ve failed in some way we need honesty back, but it’s most often best received when given with grace. If that makes sense.
I was impacted by your last post on accountability partners. Another reader and I have paired up, and it’s already been rewarding. Prayer and sharing encouragement have figured into this accountability relationship. I see it as spurring each other on.
I’m so glad you’re sharing on these topics that help us grow as writers, and in life.
Encouraging post, Karen. It is scary to share our fears and failures, yet so freeing to have AP’s who will listen and guide.
Thanks so much for the timely words.
Honesty is tough. Especially when you know how hard your partner has worked. But I’ve come to the conclulsion that if my partner cuts me loose because I’m too honest, then I could never count on her to be honest, either. If we’re at equal stages of our careers, we should be able to handle the truth. And also know when to trust our own insticts. Having just bled all over my partner’s latest chapter, I’ll let you know how it worked out for me.
Jeanne, I am happy you found an AP and are seeing its benefit!
Ron, thank you for the reminder that we need to be honest in return and not just on the receiving end.
Years ago, I reached this point where I saw the importance of making a story be the best it can be. That may sound like ‘duh’ J.D., but it was like oh my word, telling a great story is so hard! I could see the potential in my God given story and could feel that it could be taken deeper. But I couldn’t do it alone. No way. After raw confession to the Lord first, I then asked for help from others. It was humbling, hard and scary, but it was like I owed the story that. To ask others to help shape and mold it into something more beautiful and powerful than I could ever do on my own. And oh, how I was so welcomed! I just needed to get honest with myself first.
Proverbs 19:3 “He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; He who keeps understanding will find good.” NKJ
Hi Karen,
I wanted to let you know because of your post last week I now have an accountability partner.
We’ve begun sharing goals and praying for each other, and yes holding each other accountable.
I think as we grow closer in our friendship, we’ll be able to be completely honest and trusting.
Thanks for this series!
My accountability partner has become one for my life as well. I’m not sure I could function without Anne and her insatiable thirst for the Lord and that includes truth-telling, hand-holding, tear-wiping, and all and out gut-laughing. God blessed me with this woman who seeks after His heart. It only enriches my writing life.
Hi Karen,
When I hit the “blog” icon on the SL website, I was very excitted to see that you had posted an addition to your first post on AP’s. How much I was looking forward to part 2 on AP’s, but not knowing that spiritual encouragement was really what I needed. Your second post was not only informative, it was also “salt” for someone who had pulled away and secluded herself (me). It’s startling when God’s word suddenly appears before you, and whispers to your spirit. That’s how he ministers though, through others and ourselves. So now instead of praying for an Ap, I will be in pray about an issue that must be resolved before I can go any further with my writing. I’m excited, to tell you the truth! 🙂 looking forward for your post after Thanksgiving!Have a great Thanksgiving.
Wonderful comments, all! Thank you.