As a public service to our agency clients and the general Christian publishing industry (but mostly because it is a real drag being serious all the time) here are some book concepts that will never sell. Don’t even bother trying to develop them.
- I Never Knew You: Depressing Bible Verses
- The Dog that Returned to His Vomit: A Bible Story for All Ages
- The Eglon Diet: The Purpose Driven Knife
- Methodists are from Neptune, Presbyterians are from Jupiter
- Right Behind: Biblical Proof of a Second Rapture
- The Woman You Gave Me Made Me Eat It: Winning the Marital Blame Game
- Bible Trash-Talk: Job gets lit up and other Bible passages where God had enough
- Girls Like Sword-Drill Winners
- Cheat Codes for Awana Games
- Butch Butterman and His Friend, Mac the Friendly Ferret: Bible Stories from Weird People and Exotic Animals
- God Wants You to Have Thick Hair
- The Complete Book of Bible Complaints
- The Complete Book of Bible “Begats”
- 90 Minutes in Muscatine, Iowa
- The World Will End in 2012 (Special 2015 Update)
- Completely Unaffected: Industries, Groups and Sports Teams who will not be affected by the Rapture
- Ole Johnson’s Bible Recipes with Lefse
- Lutefisk: The Devil’s Food
- Plagiarism: And Other Secrets to Faster Sermon Preparation
- The Weak-Willed Parent: Give Your Kids What They Want so they Don’t Embarrass You in the Supermarket
- The Sharp-Dressed Usher
- You’ve Got to Stop Your Evil Ways, Baby.
- Cramming for Finals: Intense Bible Studies for people over 100.
- Moan, Whimper and Complain Your Way To Happiness
- Setting the Bar Low: Spiritual disciplines for Procrastinators and Underachievers
- A Broken Clock is Right Twice A Day: Inspirations for the Pessimist
- Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway: Tips on healthy Living for Fatalists
Finally, as a public service to novelists, a handy tool for coming up with concepts for your next award winning manuscript.
The Dan Balow Fiction Formulas:
- The (insert noun) of (insert another noun)
- (noun) of the (insert adjective and noun)
- (adjective and noun) of the (noun)
- (Christian word) of the (Christian word)
- (color) (noun) of the (noun)
- When (plural noun) see the (meteorological term)
- The (number) (plural noun) of (geographic location)
- The (something from Pottery Barn) of (name of Amish town)
And special mention to those of you who write for Enclave Publishing
- (Italian name) marries a (animal type) from (name of planet)
Travel Woes? It Will be Okay!
Is this the result of agent-related PTSD? or too much time around the water cooler?
Hilarious. Thanks for the morning smiles!
So glad my pet project, SECRET SINS OF CHRISTIAN AGENTS, EDITORS, AND PUBLISHERS isn’t on your list!
Gosh, I can’t think of one. The book would have no words!
Love it, Bob. Way to get back at the agent (or should I say, “former agent”).
Dan,
Thanks for a hilarious Fun Friday post. Thanks also for the heads up. Maybe my Complete Book of Bible “Begats” isn’t such a great concept after all. I’ll take your advice and not even try to develop it.
Love it Dan! This article gave ‘Girl’ Friday a smile on Friday. Actually I laughed out loud. I will never attempt to write one of these books. 🙂
Hahaha! This should go viral, if there’s any justice in the world! And speaking of viruses, “The Plagues: How to Avoid Them, or We’ll Cross that Sea When We Come to It.”
Yep, Exodus has a lot of great book possibilities. Anyone with recipes using locusts?
Dan’s titles were great, but this one is the best of all. Way to go, Nancy!
Well, there go all my proposals. Sigh. Starting over…
Ha! Those were great. I can see comedian Tim Hawkins getting some pretty good ideas from this post. 🙂
Dang. Thought some if those had potential. Thanks for the smile.
Well, if you want to be successful you need to be either really good or really goofy, so maybe these aren’t such bad ideas after all?
Hmm…thought provoking.
Careful, I know people who would take that as a challenge. 😉
Dan,
May I ask how many of these concepts have actually been pitched to you?
Thanks for making me smile and laugh out loud on a Friday morning.
None of these were pitched to me…they came from years of goofing off at work.
Just about everyone in publishing ends up in a meeting where random titles are discussed, joking around. Then someone mentions something that was intended to be funny and the room goes silent until someone says, “Hey, that might work.”
Not frequently, but every once in a while this happens!
My favorite:
Cramming for Finals: Intense Bible Studies for people over 100.
But the Lutefisk one is unkind. God loves Swedes, too. 🙂
I love Swedes too. But anything made by first soaking it in poison for who knows how long cannot be good.
Lutefisk is best used to start a really great fertilizer compost.
I agree with you, but please don’t tell my mother I said so.
Dan. I had to laugh. Thanks for the belly laugh. I guess you sitting there with two computers brings out the best in you. lol
My personal favorite is the God and thick hair thing. I can testify to the absolute fallacy of that. Hair does not thicken according to prayer.
May I add a few?
Fifteen Ways for Choir Members to Stay Awake;
Scandals from the Pastor-Parrish Relations Committee Meetings; Gleaning Great Gossip from Prayer Meetings;
Excuses for Not Attending (with separate chapters for Sunday School, Funerals, and Committee Meetings).
Dan this is a great list. I’ve returned for the third time to read it again. It’s like the gift that keeps on giving!
Steve, you’ve started a revolution. Here’s my upcoming pitch: Give and Ye Shall Receive: The Garbage You Put Out Shall Be Dumped Upon Your Lawn!
Thanks for a great way to end a day. 🙂
Oh, yeah, Dan, “Steve” is the name of the “editor” when you don’t bother to find out who to send the pitch to! (Oops!)