Do you think what you send across the Internet is private as long as you’re careful? Think again. Here are just a few things that have happened over the years to some of my friends, and to myself:
I didn’t realize Auto-Complete would send my mail to the wrong person
We’ve all misdirected mail when we have people with a similar name in our address books. Steve Laube shared a story with me that happened years ago:
Many years ago I sent contract questions, in an attachment, to an author instead of a publishing executive. The problem was that the author was not associated in any way with that particular deal. Both had the same first name and the computer filled in the rest without me checking carefully. The author was gracious and let me know he did not open the attachment and deleted the email.
A lesson we have all had to learn, the hard way. One way to prevent it is to turn off the Auto-complete feature. Or better yet, double check everything before hitting the “send” button.
I thought the message I sent in response to a loop post was just going to one person but it went to the loop.
Maybe. Maybe not. I’m on several loops, and I can never remember without referring to the address field. Always, always, always check before dashing off a message meant for one pair of eyes only. And while you’re at it, think about the message itself. If it’s a deep, dark secret, should it be addressed in an email? Again, maybe going offline would be better.
We’ve all made this mistake, and I’ve seen people write a second message saying, “So sorry I sent a message to the whole loop saying that Felicity and I are supposed to meet at Holy Grail Grille after the book signing in Richmond on Saturday. That was just supposed to go to Felicity.” While the first message isn’t an embarrassment, by sending a second message apologizing for the mistake, you’ve created yet another reason for 800 people to press the delete key. I say don’t worry about it. I understand the impulse to apologize, and as much as I advocate being the epitome of politeness, I think this is one time you can let it go. Everyone will figure out that the original message was meant for Felicity and move on to the next email.
I thought I could trust the person I emailed not to share with anyone else.
Sometimes you can. Sometimes you can’t. And you won’t know if you can’t until it’s too late. Too often someone will share with someone else if he promises not to share with anyone else. But even then, your unflattering words were spread to a third party. The second party has violated your trust, and the third party may be in a position to cause you damage. The real disadvantage here is that by putting negative opinions and feelings in writing, you’ve unleashed the potential for private thoughts to be spread all over the Internet without your permission. And, since the missive is in writing rather than a retelling of a conversation, it’s hard to refute with, “I’m sorry, Felicity misinterpreted. Let me explain.” Feelings expressed in writing don’t have the advantage of voice inflection or facial expressions to tone them down. They are bare, and if angry, can seem even more brutal than you ever meant. Again, better to take hurt feelings offline.
But I must be honest.
Of course you should be honest. And sometimes you need to make points in writing for the person’s reference. One technique I learned years ago is the sandwich. Open with something positive, then move into the thoughtful and careful expression of whatever negative thoughts you need to share, and then close with a sincere compliment. No matter how bad a situation is, there is always something good you can say. Engaging in the sandwich method will also make you feel more positive. Everybody wins.
Most of all, whether you are talking in person or through email, always show love and compassion. One day you’ll need both, and will be glad for the understanding and consideration of others.
Your turn:
What’s the worst email you’ve ever seen misdirected?
Have you ever seen reconciliation and forgiveness occur as a result of misdirected mail?
What tips do you have about sharing negative thoughts in a kind way?
I can’t think of a misdirected email at this moment, but years ago I did accidentally hit the send button instead of the delete button on an email to the admissions department of my university. The email read something like “I hvae a mater’s degre Iin communicaton disordrs from your university a d was wondering if I had to take the prerequste grammar course for creative writing.” That’s what happens when you type something while your two-year-old throws a tantrum.
Never heard back from them… Pretty sure I could hear them laughing though.
Jennifer, that’s too funny but also sad. Hope it all worked out for you.
I discovered organizations like ACFW right after that. God had it all worked out. I just think it’s funny at this point. Thanks for the encouragement!
Jennifer, now THAT sounds like a great scene for a heroine in a book! I think you made all our readers smile today. And I have a feeling if you tried asking again, they’d understand — especially if the admissions person is a parent!
Lol! God has granted me a great sense of humor over the years, as I keep finding myself in these situations. I figure this way I never run out of material for my blog. Laughter is good medicine for the heart–a gift from the Father. Plus, failing to find local writing classes, I found groups like ACFW. I have been very blessed by their teaching! Thanks for laughing with me!
Hilarious, Jennifer! You gave me a good chuckle for the day. Though I am sorry you never heard back. Perhaps you should have sent a follow up telling them you was dictating to your two year old and he sent it before you could do a spell check. LOL>
Great reminder, Tamela.
I have twice sent birthday greetings to the wrong person because of auto-correct. Neither of the recipients-in-error seemed to mind, though.
Johnnie, there’s nothing wrong with celebrating birthdays all year! 🙂
Great post, Tamela, and a much needed reminder that we need to be ultra cautious with email. Once we hit “send,” we lose control over where it goes.
Such a great reminder to be careful what we write and send to others via e-mail. I have a friend who accidentally sent a personal email regarding a loved one to a list rather than the individual she intended it to go to. That caused lots of friction in the relationship for a time.
Your tip for sharing negative words in a kind way is one I’ve tried to use for years. If I think about it, I can find something positive in almost every situation. I would add praying first for my heart and words and for the other person’s heart when s/he hears it is something that I try to do.
Great post, Tamela.
As my blog grows, I’ve found myself in contact with readers and other bloggers. As we get to know each other, our primary communication is through email. But it’s a tricky situation. I want to reveal enough of myself to be authentic, but I don’t really and truly know them. I have no idea how they might respond to what I write. And even though we’re all Christians, so many Christians feel free to be nasty or retaliate. (It’s mind-boggling what I read on blogs and even some email loops!) As an introvert, it’s tempting to crawl in my shell and just not interact. But I know I need relationship. It’s such a delicate balance to know how much to share and how to share it.
Meghan, I agree that loops can be tricky, especially when they are large. I once read wise words from a list hostess saying to the effect, “Before you post, consider if 800 people need to read what you have to say.” When I remember that, I often decide not to post to large loops.
If your loops have a lot of members, one option may be to identify people you feel you can be friends with on a deeper level, and ask them if they’d like to break off and form a special interest or friendship loop. If you keep that loop to four or five people at most, you should be able to form excellent relationships. Just a thought!
Thanks, Tamela.
I once forwarded a personal email to one of my clients at work, fortunately it was just a collection of pretty photos. When the client asked why I sent them, I replied that the pictures were so lovely and she then agreed. It was funny but made me more careful, especially with political messages.
Instead of attaching my first three chapters for my agent, I think I attached a smiley face. Yup, really professional. I re-sent and he liked the chapters, so it turned out fine.
Reminds me of a Tim Hawkins joke – “I texted my wife – I love you, I want you, I need you – then realize I just sent it to my son’s soccer coach. Gonna be awkward at practice.” 🙂
My son has his email account set up on my disabled daughter’s Ipad. He’s a Marine in the Delayed Entry Program, which means he has to check in with his recruiter every Monday. My daughter loves to “push” the buttons on her Ipad and managed to send an email to my son’s recruiter which said something like: sldkjfoiadkfasd,mf.
Good thing his recruiter has a sense of humor.
I think I’ve made all these mistakes at one time or another.
What has saved me on numerous occasions is setting up Outlook to not immediately send me compositions. This way I write them and they sit in my outbox until I manually click on send. This allows me to change my mind, delete a needless message, correct a gaffe, or soften my tone.
Great idea, Peter!
My friend in Brazil writes long letters about her travels, weekend outings, art exhibits in Sao Paulo–anything. Then, apparently, she grafts in personal paragraphs and sends emails to various recipients. She had made errors several times over the years, but during the last presidential election she ridiculed my candidate without mercy–and she knew whom I supported. I didn’t write her for over a year, but missed the relationship. At last, she sent a query about my health. I ‘fessed up, told her the whole story. She didn’t apologize, but we’re writing again now. Forgiveness is sweet.
Indeed!
Confusion isn’t just in e-mails. When in college, I was writing two different males. One I liked. The other I was just being nice to because he was in the military and stationed overseas. Exhausted one night, I got the letters mixed up. I got nastigrams back from both of them and that was the end of that.
I got an email once from a well-known author. It was a blistering criticism of someone I didn’t know. I assume auto-completion of the email address was the culprit. I pondered what to do for a day or two and then let the author know I thought I’d received the email in error. The response wasn’t much more than “yes, it was in error,” but it made me very careful about the content of my own emails from then on.
I am really acute of seeing humorous movies by youtube, and this videos namely really so comical, hehehhe.