Last week I talked about limiting the amount of mean criticism you have to put up with. This week, let’s revisit that topic, only to learn from it.
Yes, we can learn when someone is mean to us.
We’ve all had unhappy feelings when attacked. Maybe it’s a twinge in your chest or gut, a reflexive desire to lash out, a sense of unfairness, of being misunderstood. Maybe it’s all of those. Everyone has experienced feeling some form of lousy when criticized. What to do?
First, look past your feelings about the person. If you’re hearing something mean, you’ve probably encountered negative sayings from this person in the past. So, why does the criticism bother you? What “ouch” point does it hit? If it didn’t resonate, you wouldn’t be bothered.
Let’s say someone calls you a bank robber. You don’t rob banks, so that’s easy to dismiss.
But when someone questions your talent, you may think, “What if he’s right? What if I am a no-talent fraud? Maybe I was just lucky to get my first book published. Maybe it will be a flop.”
Stop. Now.
Even if your book for some reason doesn’t perform well, a number of people on a publishing committee agreed it was good enough to present to the public. You do have talent.
Or maybe someone says your book is trivial. This can happen even if you just bought a new car or paid college tuition (or both) with your royalty check. Romance writers especially know what I mean. We are often dismissed.
So what?
What you are writing is pleasing to your publisher and readers. Don’t let anyone minimize your worth.
Cruel criticism is meant to hurt, to hit you where you feel most vulnerable and insecure. If attacked:
- Thank the critic because that doesn’t mean you agree, but now you’ve disarmed him.
- When you’re alone, evaluate the comment and why it bothered you.
- Learn from those feelings, and let them motivate you to keep growing and improving.
As the popular saying goes, “Haters gonna hate.” As in my last post, I recommend limiting your interactions with mean-spirited critics as much as you can. And pray for them. They won’t admit it, but despicable comments come from their own hurt.
Stay strong!
Your turn:
What tips can you offer to those who are criticized?
Do you have a story of healing you’d like to share?
What Does an Editor Do?
Hi Tamela,
I love that you suggested thanking the critic. So many times when I’ve tried to distance myself from the criticism but still have to deal with the critic, I’ve discovered showing them kindness softens them. I’m not saying they won’t have mean comments again, because they might.
Prayer can help open our eyes to see the critic as God sees them. It’s like turning a kaleidoscope and seeing them in a new light. Prayer may not change the critic, but it can change our response to the critic.
Tamela, thanks for sharing.
Absolutely, Jackie! As is often said but worth repeating, “You can’t change people but you can control your response to them.”
When it comes to dealing with people who are negative toward me, I like to remember the following from Edwin Markham’s poem, Outwitted
He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him in!
The meanest people are the ones most in need of a forgiving friend. When you cuddle a hedgehog, you’re going to get stuck, but that doesn’t mean you should never pick up the hedgehog again.
The most effective tool I’ve found for dealing with people who have hurt me professionally is to pray for them. I’ve found praying for them increases my understanding of why they did what they did, and that makes it easier to forgive enough that it no longer bothers me very much. If I reach the point of forgiving completely, it doesn’t bother me at all.
When it comes to dealing with people who are negative toward me, I like to remember the following from Edwin Markham’s poem, Outwitted
He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him in!
The meanest people are the ones most in need of a forgiving friend. When you cuddle a hedgehog, you’re going to get stuck, but that doesn’t mean you should never pick up the hedgehog again.
The most effective tool I’ve found for dealing with people who have hurt me professionally is to pray for them. I’ve found praying for them increases my understanding of why they did what they did, and that makes it easier to forgive enough that it no longer bothers me very much. If I reach the point of forgiving completely, it doesn’t bother me at all.
Sorry for the double post. My computer was displaying as if the first post failed even after a site link refresh.
Carol, it was worth reading twice! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that poem. Thanks for sharing.
I have not actually met criticism yet in person. However, I have more than a few negative (even a couple that are quite harsh) reviews on my (5 so far) books.
Initially, I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere because you’re exactly right Tamela. I felt like a fraud . . . a phony . . . a no-talent hack.
But as time went on, I realized that they are only one part of the feedback – and ironically enough, even the ones who say they don’t like it, say they want to read the next book.
PLUS I realized it is actually a good thing.
As a reader, I tend to find books suspicious if they ONLY have 4 and 5 star reviews. So, if I have a nice sprinkling of 5s, 4s, 3s, 2s and even a couple of 1 star reviews – that will lend credibility to my books.
JC, you have a point. If a book has nothing but five star reviews, a potential reader can’t help but wonder if only the author’s dear friends have read the book. Does a bad review hurt? Of course! But sometimes we can learn from those, too.
I love your suggestion of thanking the critic. I can definitely see how that could tone things down in a conversation.
And praying for a critic, as Jackie mentioned . . . I love that idea.
I think you deal with different kinds of criticism in different ways. Book reviews, you can’t do much about what a critic has written, except ask God for help in maintaining a thick skin.
When criticism comes from a loved one or someone I respect, I always sit back, listen to what they’re saying and evaluate their words. Usually, they are sharing out of genuine concern for me.
People who are plain and simply mean? Those are the hardest to deal with, and my initial thought is to try and graciously end the conversation. Being able to discern the intentions behind a criticism can be difficult, but when I can, this can help me look at the words with an accurate perspective.
Jeanne, a great quote is, “Consider the source.” Sounds as though that’s exactly what you do. Good advice.
Coming from a highly dysfunctional family hurtful, demeaning comments meant to slash one’s self confidence, sense of self worth and demean their actual value as a human being have long ago become laughable.
As a four year old abandoned by its mother these things carried immense sting. Eventually, one becomes calloused to sadistic indignities and sees the person hurling such against a child for the pathetic excuse of an adult they are. Over time, they showed themselves to be imbued with egregious deficiencies they routinely accused others of.
From a very early age my Father, Jesus Christ, stepped in and became the parent I didn’t have. I was given tiny armor of salvation that was quite powerful. Even then, no weapon formed against me prospered. When I really needed it a person of the Kingdom would be positioned to protect and shelter me at just the critical time. I gladly wore a hand me down winter coat from “Charity Newsies” lest I have none. Shoes with no soles in the winter, no problem. Hunger that was routine, quite familiar. These adversities and many more rendered an education, vision and experience that I deem invaluable.
So…….. Some troll poo-poo ing my book they probably didn’t read,
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Rochellino, thank you for your perspective. In the scheme of things, it’s nice if and when a book review is all we have to worry about!
Yes! I love this post. After encountering some harsh negative critics I had to re-evaluate my writing. It made me more determined to learn. I enrolled in Jerry Jenkins Christian Writers Guild several years ago and completed the Apprentice, Journeyman, and Craftsman classes. I devoted four years to learning. However, learning never stops, so I haven’t fully arrived. I sunk in my chair when Jerry did his hard-nosed critique in my resident class of 12 writers. It was then I had to learn how to overcome my introvert fear of failure. Now, time has passed, I’ve jumped many hurdles, and I welcome true kindhearted critiques. The negative ones, well I smile, thank them for their time or their thoughts and move on. I may ponder the negative and sift through to see if it holds any merit, but if it’s meant to be hurtful or harsh, I shake it off and pray for them.
Loretta, yours is an excellent example of a great way to respond to criticism! Everyone always has something new to learn.
Great advice! While criticism hurts, I shudder to think what my writing would be without it. There is plenty that is just mean hearted and you should ignore, but most drives me to become better. I love the three points you mentioned. Thank, evaluate and grow! 🙂
Angela, glad you enjoyed the post!
On healing:
In one of the first writing contests I entered, a judge told me in unkind terms to go back to the drawing board and relearn how to write, but she also gave specific points of criticism which I could build on. Of course I cried and ranted to my family, then I took her advice, studied the points she mentioned, completely rewrote the first chapters (and eventually the rest) of my manuscript, and won the contest. Later, I learned the judge’s identity, and believe it or not, we’ve become friends.
As said above, many times a person’s criticism comes from their own well of pain. “Turning the other cheek” like Christ is hard, but, as we’ve seen in recent presidential debates, 🙂 countering with insults never improves the state of one’s relationship, reputation or soul. Love covers a multitude of sins and when we let the love of Christ overrule our need to retaliate, beautiful friendships can result. Our God is amazing like that.
I absolutely love the poem Carol posted.
Natalie, thank you for sharing! Sometimes I think people don’t realize how harsh they sound when they are trying to be helpful. So glad you are friends with the judge now!
Tamela,
Offering constructive criticism to academic writers is my profession. I am paid to give it, and was super-confident I could also take it. But when the facilitator and other writers in a small-group read-aloud at a conference jumped all over the first page of my novel, my immediate reaction was strong defensiveness. I was immediately beyond surprised at that–I felt like a hypocrite! When the session was over I took their comments to heart, rewrote that first page, made an appointment with the facilitator, apologized, and asked her to listen to that page again and decide if she thought the changes were improvements. She said they definitely were, and invited me to submit a formal proposal to her publishing house. Big personal lesson there–I may not be able control my visceral reaction to criticism, but I CAN control how I respond to it!