No matter who you are or how nice you are, some people won’t like you. That’s a fact we all have to live with. Even worse, people we thought were friends can turn on us. And sometimes we may become the victim of unhappy people who enjoy talking rudely about others.
Know the meaning of “trashed”
You are being trashed if someone is making harmful statements about you with intent of damaging your friendships and reputation — or at least not caring if the negative talk hurts you. The truth of the statements is not the issue because your detractor believes them to be true because of her perspective. If you are being slandered, that is a different issue requiring legal advice beyond the scope of this post.
Being trashed hurts
We may be unaware that we’re being trashed behind our backs. Or, a good friend may clue us in. This knowledge will hurt. Grief, denial, upset, and anger aretypical reactions, followed by a strong desire to defend ourselves. I recommend not giving in to that desire.
Remain calm
I realize this is, as the cliche goes, easier said than done. Chances are good that you don’t deserve the bad things being said about you. The urge to tell your side of the story is reasonable. But unless not defending yourself will result in direct and certain harm, I recommend staying quiet.
Don’t enter the fray
Why? Because defending yourself will force your friend to take sides. She may not side with you after all. And with good intentions, your friend may try to act as peacemaker, which can backfire. Also, if your detractor discovers you have entered the fray, he may escalate the number and intensity of comments, resulting in a feud that could be worse than the initial comments.
Slay the beast
I have found that the fewer times complaints and accusations are verbalized, the better. Let harmful comments die the early death they deserve.
Don’t be a bore
Another good reason to stay quiet is to keep from becoming a bore. Share what’s happened with a trusted confidante to help you gain perspective. But stop after that. Most people are willing to offer sympathy after one or two accounts of terrible treatment, but no one wants to hear the litany again and again. And every time you complain, you are keeping the comments alive and reliving your own negative emotions.
Pity your attacker
It’s sad when someone has nothing better to do, or derives a strange pleasure from, trashing others. Trashing others is also a way of getting attention and sympathy. The person may feel victorious if she causes you to lose a friend. Friends who let trash talk cause them to abandon you have tenuous ties to you at best. Let them go. And consider the tragedy of lives controlled by negative talk.
Be wise yet harmless
If you are clued in about someone’s true character and feelings about you, be grateful to have the knowledge. Then you can then be as wise a a serpent but as harmless as a dove, to cite advice the Lord gave His disciples.
Continue to live a life of integrity, with dignity. You can and will rise above negativity.
Your turn:
If you knew your friend was being trashed, would you tell him? Why or why not?
Have you been trashed? What did you do?
What is your favorite advice for those dealing with negative rumors?
Proposals: Know Your Audience
I once told a friend something derogatory I had heard a mutual friend say about him. Bad idea. It nearly destroyed the friendship between those two and almost cost me my friendship with both of them.
Jesus said to pray for those who treat us badly. I love the little ditty, “You can talk about me all you please. i will talk about you on my knees.”
Sure beats escalating the issue by entering the fray.
If you say nothing…you really are saying something.
When I have heard something negative said about someone else, I will mention to the person actually saying it…”HMMM, I will have to ask that person what their side is.” Trash talk usually comes to a screeching halt.
When I am trash talked about I usually walk away knowing that the relationship held little value for the other person. That is usually the part that hurts but we can leave it at that..and not add to the fray.
I have a feeling someone from my military past is posting lies about me and negative things and I see people pointing fingers and gossiping I am not on any social media how can find out if something been said I think I am looking like a ljerk
I learned a valuable lesson one time when a group of us were meeting to discuss a church program. A husband and wife were part of the group, and at one point the husband said something mean and belittling to his wife. Being the timid church people that we were, we tried to gloss over the conflict and keep going. But one person in the group, who was known to be outspoken, said, “She’s my friend and I don’t like how you talked to her just now.” What a great response! Here I was, afraid to get between a husband and wife, completely forgetting the fact that the wife was a friend, and I had every right to speak up for her. It turns out the husband was an abuser and the marriage eventually broke up. Boldness can be such a great attribute!
The first thing that came to mind was …like a lamb to the slaughter. Yes innocent.
Let’s face it, enemies usually don’t hurt us near as much as friends. But like Joe said- we are commanded to pray for our enemies even when friends become enemies.
Praying for enemies is a major part of my WIP, btw.
All we have to do is look to Christ. Our perfect example.
He suffered and we are not greater than our master and He knows how it hurts. (<;
Tamela, when I have personally come across ungracious criticism/attacks from a person who has a vastly different world view than my own I keep quiet and say 1 Corinthians 4:3 in my head. It helps me remember “whose I am and whom I serve”.
It’s a great conditioner for thickening your skin while softening your heart.
Blessings ~ Wendy ❀
Great advice, Tamela.
As writers, we are in a business where we often deal with harsh criticism and trash talk, especially on social media outlets. The urge to retaliate or defend ourselves is strong, but it seems things usually get worse when we don’t stay above it. When I was a kid taking karate, the first rule of self defense we learned was to avoid the fight, not throw punches.
Thank you for that post. I found out recently that someone had trashed me. I talked to my husband who offered to defend me to that person. I said no. I still struggled with whether I should confront the person myself, so I asked a good friend. She said the person should be held accountable. I decided to let it go and forgive. I know the person has a good heart. Your post confirmed my decision.
Jesus said we should turn the other cheek, and that’s what you’re recommending. A website I like with suggestions on how to handle things like that is http://www.bullie2buddies.com.
Of course there may be exceptions, as when we need to protect someone else who is in physical danger, like the abusive relationship Nancy mentioned. But, even then, physical violence usually doesn’t help.
Tamela, your Slay The Beast advice is a good one. It reminds me of something taught in child development called “extinguishing the bad behavior,” which, like you said, kills the unwanted behavior by depriving it of energy.
I’m also thinking from another example. The President of the United States has, probably, the most thankless job in the country. (Except for very few presidents), at any given time, the President has half of his own country hating him. When Obama first took office, he was interviewed and asked what he thought about all the “haters.” (my words) Obama simply shrugged and replied, “They don’t even no me.” Talk about slaying the beast. In one simple comment, he invalidated a great number of attacks on his character.
Tamela, I have a question about this. I have been “trashed” online, as in, there have been blog posts where my perspective, ideas, or myself, has been trashed. There are a few where my name is not mentioned, but friends have been able to tell it is a post about me (or my perspective) and they have shared those posts with me. I have not defended myself, because I am not going to pick a fight, I am not a fighter. It hurts, especially because like you said, I want to tell my side of the story, but I am not sure that would help at all. I figured if someone took the time to write abut me, well, that means someone besides my mother is reading my stuff, which is good, right? It is sad, however, that is out there. how do you recommend handling something like this as a writer? I am working towards a book (books) and I don’t know how, if at all, this affects me. It is out there, on the cyber world, this is not just “something I heard.” how do you advice your clients to handle something like this?
Ellen, I apologize for taking so long to reply to you. I was at a conference when this posted and in my efforts to catch up from it (may never happen), I just now realized you have an important question.
That said, as a reader, I’d actually prefer to see a couple of negative reviews on a book than all five-star reviews. Those negative reviews do indicate that someone other than your mother is reading your book. When I really want to read a book, a couple of one-star reviews don’t stop me. Indeed, they may even encourage me to read it!
Please don’t be discouraged by a few people who disagree with you. People get very emotional about Down Syndrome, and by virtue of your topic, you will find disagreement. Be comforted too, in that Jesus certainly faced disagreement while He was with us on Earth!
It is sad. People do that online as they are hiding behind a screen. I read a book last week titled, “Slander! What does the Bible say about slander?” By Sandra Houston.
I have been slandered online by my boyfriend’s mother who is monstrous. -_- She says things that are not true. I had a very bad time as she claims to be a Christian.
Before I got saved, I used to ignore all losers that had nothing worthwhile to do except making up stories about others. Now I have started seeing people as people and have humbled so much.
It hurt me a lot. Destroyed my health. Now I recovered after realizing that not everyone who claims to be a Christian is in fact a Christian.
Check out that book. I read in from the library. It is on Amazon.
Francina, thank you for the recommendation!
My grandmother used to say “Mud brushes off better when it’s dry.”
It’s always a good idea to give trash talk some time to settle before answering. It often dies without your having to answer.
I love this, Judith! Your grandmother’s wisdom will be passed down in my family now as well.
This is so cool! Love it!
I was at the ACFW conference when this posted but in reading this today, I have really been uplifted by all the wisdom here. Thank you all so very much for sharing!
I wish I read this last year when I was slandered so badly. Still I am being slandered but I changed.
Hi there,
An old “friend” of mine trashed me with a screenshot of my instagram profile I don’t know what trigger this since we stop talking a very long time ago well like some people above I didn’t reply nor really care but its getting to people who knows me and she is saying things that I once did like (trying drugs ) but I dont do that anymore at all I a medical condition now and she is basically calling me a liar and what not I do sales and now I simply love to inspire others to get out of the place I was in and give them hope .. My question is how do I responds to my team as some of them seen this.
Im a nobody and I know that others don’t a won’t me herd. I have alot to say every place I’ve written blows it off like its b/s. I don’t lie and and don’t make things up. I’ve written to many people. All they show is they dont care.