I love to laugh. I’m one of those people who goes into card stores and stands in the aisles, reading the funny cards and chortling. So when I saw some posts on Rejected Candy Heart sayings, I totally cracked up. You know what Candy Hearts are, yes? Those little sugar hearts with sayings such as “Be Mine,” “Hug Me,” “Real Love”? We’ve all seen them, even exchanged them. In fact, I bought a box of them one Valentine’s Day and positioned them all over the house to send Don loving messages. Cute. Sweet. Fun.
And then there are the hearts that you (hopefully) would NEVER give someone you love. You know, with messages like “Meh–You’ll Do,” “Ever Heard of Mints?” or “We Need to Talk.” I like Valentine’s Day as much as the next gal. But some of these rejected sayings had me laughing so hard I snorted. Yes, snorted. Then there were the others…the rude and crude. Someone tell me, please…why do some people think it’s funny to be obscene? It irritated me that such a great idea could be taken down a tasteless, tacky, sophomoric road.
That’s when it hit me. I know a bunch of creative people. (YOU!) People who’ve proven time and again that they like to laugh. And can make others laugh, too, without being crass. So why not have some fun and run a little informal contest here?
Come on, friends. Show off your wit and share your best, funniest rejected heart saying(s). The saying that makes me laugh the hardest will win—you guessed it!—a box of candy hearts! I’ll send it to you myself.
So have at it. Hit me with your best, funniest shot. As Vincini said in The Princess Bride…
“I’m waiting!”
Author Platforms 201 – Part Two – Consistency
How about, “I love you…like a brother,” “It’s not you, It’s me,” or “In your dreams!”
Read this and said right out loud, “Oh my gosh, this is so much fun!”
*It could be the braces
*It could be that mole the size of a quarter on your chin
*Better Luck Next year
*Remember your diet
*Your mother says she loves you and you haven’t called her in a week.
*Love Hurts
*Love Scars
*Love Wounds
*And Mars
1. Please come back home. The dog misses you.
2. I love you with all my heart’s affliction
We’re talking the little candy hearts, right? So, not many characters. The thing I’d least like to see printed on one of those….
Poop
Followed by:
U Jerk
Ur a Loser
Hate U
Ignore me
U smell
And because you need a laugh, remember…
If you’re kissing your honey and your nose is runny, you may think it’s funny but it’s snot. 😀
My daughter and her husband first met at an online dating service where they saw each other’s pictures. My son-in-law was a big boy (he’s since lost over 120 pounds.) so when they had a couple of real dates and started to connect, he admitted that his first reaction to her picture was that she was “scrawny.” She said, “That’s okay. When I saw your picture I thought, hmmm, we can just be friends.” So, my funny saying would be “we can just be friends”
True Baggage
Be Hers
Hugs—Just Hugs
First…I love the picture of the dog. We have a sanctuary for abused Pits, so that stole my heart.
OK, sayings that didn’t make it…
The way you snore is the definition of make-out music.
If you could cook, my joy would’ve been complete.
You smell better than a tractor pull in July. (I once told my future wife that her perfume reminded me of jet engine exhaust…which I happen to love.)
Your make-up is so good, you could be a plasterer.
Boy, I’ll bet you’re something in a bar fight! (I actually did write this to my future wife.)
You sing pretty, and ALL the neighborhood dogs want to join in!
You have really nice breath, which is good because you talk more than anyone I know.
And a poem…
A jug of wine, a loaf of bread,
and th…hey, don’t eat that, it’s not dead!
You promise ‘interesting’, no pretense
if the word’s taken in the Chinese sense,
but if anyone dares to try an apply it
to you, I’ll put ’em on a liquid diet.
And I think I will close with that, my lifetime literary tour de force.
Awww, my typo had a poem in it. One word, makes a big difference. Sorry.
A jug of wine, a loaf of bread,
and th…hey, don’t eat that, it’s not dead!
You promise ‘interesting’, no pretense
if the word’s taken in the Chinese sense,
but if anyone else dares to try and apply it
to you, I’ll put ‘em on a liquid diet.
I love those little hearts! Here are a few of my “rejected” heart sayings:
RU4Real?
Don’t C It..
RU@YRMother’s?
YDon’tUFightFair?
Help! I’m Stuck on U!
Be Mime
Hugs and Disses
I bow to genius.
“Be mime.”
Yeah, I think that wins it.
I’m with Andrew. Your pithy put-downs are brilliant, Joe. You say so much with so little.
Oh, one more…
You look like you were just MADE to wear overalls!
How about:
Dear John
Be Gone
Be His
Be Hers
Okay people, I was feeling guilty for writing that comment about the mole, but after reading these last few, I’m looking like an angel. LOL!
Chris, I donate this one to you, if you want it…
“You’ve got good taste, you married an angel!”
Right now, only these have come to mind, but I’ll stop back if more make me chuckle.
“Was it something I said?”
“I love you like a tooth ache.”
This is fun, Karen, and I’m loving reading others’ creativity. 🙂
I’ll toss a few rejected Valentine heart sayings into the mix.
No way
Just no
Think again
Dream on
Go away
Get lost
Bug off
Beat it
In my nightmares
Don’t call me
U R not the 1
XO? No!
Keli, you just inspired(?) one…
Not currently accepting queries. Especially yours.
And you “XO? No!” inspired this –
IMHO UR 😛
This is like eating potato chips…
When you take your meds, you’re great company.
If you were a goat, I’d put you out to stud (obviously, to be delivered by a lady)
Being with you is like eating potato chips…can’t get enough, so I eat the whole bag, and then I puke.
You’re proof that God has apprentices.
You guys are brilliant! Some of you have very large candy hearts 🙂
No way. Just sayin’
Plain Jane isn’t my type.
Fuhgeddaboudit!
No loitering.
Step away from the Beauty, you Beast.
In your dreams. In my nightmares.
Ain’t happenin’
Move along.
Two words: Restraining Order.
You’re joking, right?
I don’t do random acts of kindness.
Go away . . . Make. My. Day.
How fun! I’m enjoying the morning laughs 🙂
Please Leave
True Like
Cow Pie
Be Friends?
Never Ever
Keep Dreaming
Got Milk?
Great Personality
Not 4 Ever
Cloud Zero
My Humperdinck
I had to throw that last one in because of your Princess Bride reference 😉
Here’s one:
Noooooo!
Oh. My. GOSH! You guys are hilarious! I knew you could do it!
You’ve sown the wind, Karen, and are reaping the weirdwind.
No one likes a ducktail
I need a chaser now
Credit card declined
Camels smell better
Nipples aren’t better in threes
Would rather kiss an eel
Phlegm belongs at home
Pass
Next please
Deodorant. It’s a thing.
Crusties are for pizza
Just passin’ thru.
Lover’s digest
yummy tummy
I’m melting!
Boldly going where not heart has gone before
Lips are pips, but teeth are a grind
Ok, I promise, these are (maybe) my last ones:
Be hers
Slap!
I don’t
Save Some 4 Me
Get Your Own
That’s what I think when I have candy 🙂
None of these are original with me:
“I Know” – Hans Solo
U R My Oxford Comma
Eat More Chickin
“Eat more chickin” inspires this one –
UR Long Pig
Long Pig is New Guinea Pidgin for ‘people as food’; reputed to taste like chicken according to, of all people, Maria von Trapp (cf. her autobiography…really!)
Husband and dog missing ..offering reward for the dog.
So, how many cats do you have?
Who can follow all that?
All I got was a vision of Porky poppin’ chocolates
That’s All Folks
Having fun reading all these! Here are mine:
Forget me, no really
Be making my dinner
I loved you
Yours figuratively
You did the best you could.
I think, therefore I’m out.
Taken, not stirred.
Maybe next year
Mama’s boy
I’ve got a brother
Try another bag
I’m not your frog
She loves me not
Cubic zirconia
Can I sniff your butt?
Buzz off honey
Nice but no cigar
Kiss me goodbye
Oh, please
Gimme a break
Bor—ing
Squeeze your dog
Buy some nerds
Hit the road jock
How about
c’est non
or perhaps…
bon…not!
Almost forgot the Swahili version,,,
Jambo, Jumbo!
and with sincere apologies to Richard Lovelace, here’s the nadir of my offerings…
I could not love thee, dear, so well,
loved I not…what’s that SMELL?
Here’s another:
Be Mine. Not!
Susie knew Mike was not good with words. To say he was an introvert was, well, understating the obvious. But . . . She saw beyond the crusty facade he put on for everyone else. She knew, deep down, he was a romantic at heart. And this–this proved it! A hand-made card, painstakingly (if childishly) crafted. And inside, not only a hand-printed note, “Hoping this works,” but five candy hearts. And . . . and these directions: “Numbers on back. Put in order.”
Hands trembling, heart pounding, she arranged the little jewels of love in order. There was number 1.”What if?” Oh . . . Good start!
2, 3 . . .
Message assembled, she stared at the cryptic message . . .
What If . . . Love Waits . . . Until . . . Prenup . . . Agreed?
I’ll pass
mother nature was wrong
I learned my lesson
going, going, gone…
obviously still looking
“Rn’t u gone yet?”
“XOXO….Where’s my gum?”
“Uhm, could I see bachelor # 2?”
“Are we the last two people on Earth?”
“Kiss Me! -Wait, where are my teeth?”
Well, I’ve read and laughed and laughed and reread, and I can’t choose just one. Now remember, these were rejected sayings, so they can be long. Drum roll, please…
Here are the four that made me laugh the hardest and longest:
I think, therefore I’m out. (Carrie Talbot)
Uhm, could I see bachelor #2? (Sabrina Cornman)
XO? No! (Keli Gwyn)
Two Words: Restraining Order (Heather FitzGerald)
Thanks to each of you–and to everyone who took part–for the guffaws. And you four laugh-meisters, I have a box of candy hearts for each of you. They’re sitting on my desk, waiting to wing their way to you, so send your snail mail address to my assistant Peggy, at pwhitson@stevelaube.com, and they’ll be on their way!
Happy Valentine’s Day, folks. And may you NEVER receive a candy heart with ANY of these messages.
Just remembered to check back! Nice surprise. Thank you so much 🙂
Oops! Forgot to add this:
Special Mention/Appreciation goes to Andrew Budeck-Schmeisser for an abundance of wit!