Valentine’s Creativity! [Plus a Giveaway]

I love to laugh. I’m one of those people who goes into card stores and stands in the aisles, reading the funny cards and chortling. So when I saw some posts on Rejected Candy Heart sayings, I totally cracked up. You know what Candy Hearts are, yes? Those little sugar hearts with sayings such as “Be Mine,”  “Hug Me,” “Real Love”? We’ve all seen them, even exchanged them. In fact, I bought a box of them one Valentine’s Day and positioned them all over the house to send Don loving messages. Cute. Sweet. Fun.

And then there are the hearts that you (hopefully) would NEVER give someone you love. You know, with messages like “Meh–You’ll Do,” “Ever Heard of Mints?” or “We Need to Talk.” I like Valentine’s Day as much as the next gal. But some of these rejected sayings had me laughing so hard I snorted. Yes, snorted. Then there were the others…the rude and crude. Someone tell me, please…why do some people think it’s funny to be obscene? It irritated me that such a great idea could be taken down a tasteless, tacky, sophomoric road.

That’s when it hit me. I know a bunch of creative people. (YOU!) People who’ve proven time and again that they like to laugh. And can make others laugh, too, without being crass. So why not have some fun and run a little informal contest here?

Come on, friends. Show off your wit and share your best, funniest rejected heart saying(s). The saying that makes me laugh the hardest will win—you guessed it!—a box of candy hearts! I’ll send it to you myself.

So have at it. Hit me with your best, funniest shot. As Vincini said in The Princess Bride

“I’m waiting!”

 

50 Responses to Valentine’s Creativity! [Plus a Giveaway]

  1. Sarah Chafins February 11, 2015 at 5:26 am #

    How about, “I love you…like a brother,” “It’s not you, It’s me,” or “In your dreams!”

  2. chris storm February 11, 2015 at 5:38 am #

    Read this and said right out loud, “Oh my gosh, this is so much fun!”

    *It could be the braces
    *It could be that mole the size of a quarter on your chin
    *Better Luck Next year
    *Remember your diet
    *Your mother says she loves you and you haven’t called her in a week.
    *Love Hurts
    *Love Scars
    *Love Wounds
    *And Mars

  3. Ted Gary February 11, 2015 at 6:04 am #

    1. Please come back home. The dog misses you.

    2. I love you with all my heart’s affliction

  4. Lisa Godfrees February 11, 2015 at 6:36 am #

    We’re talking the little candy hearts, right? So, not many characters. The thing I’d least like to see printed on one of those….

    Poop

    Followed by:
    U Jerk
    Ur a Loser
    Hate U
    Ignore me
    U smell

    And because you need a laugh, remember…

    If you’re kissing your honey and your nose is runny, you may think it’s funny but it’s snot. 😀

  5. Jennifer Sienes February 11, 2015 at 7:02 am #

    My daughter and her husband first met at an online dating service where they saw each other’s pictures. My son-in-law was a big boy (he’s since lost over 120 pounds.) so when they had a couple of real dates and started to connect, he admitted that his first reaction to her picture was that she was “scrawny.” She said, “That’s okay. When I saw your picture I thought, hmmm, we can just be friends.” So, my funny saying would be “we can just be friends”

  6. Heidi Gaul February 11, 2015 at 7:10 am #

    True Baggage

    Be Hers

    Hugs—Just Hugs

  7. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 11, 2015 at 7:11 am #

    First…I love the picture of the dog. We have a sanctuary for abused Pits, so that stole my heart.

    OK, sayings that didn’t make it…

    The way you snore is the definition of make-out music.

    If you could cook, my joy would’ve been complete.

    You smell better than a tractor pull in July. (I once told my future wife that her perfume reminded me of jet engine exhaust…which I happen to love.)

    Your make-up is so good, you could be a plasterer.

    Boy, I’ll bet you’re something in a bar fight! (I actually did write this to my future wife.)

    You sing pretty, and ALL the neighborhood dogs want to join in!

    You have really nice breath, which is good because you talk more than anyone I know.

    And a poem…

    A jug of wine, a loaf of bread,
    and th…hey, don’t eat that, it’s not dead!
    You promise ‘interesting’, no pretense
    if the word’s taken in the Chinese sense,
    but if anyone dares to try an apply it
    to you, I’ll put ’em on a liquid diet.

    And I think I will close with that, my lifetime literary tour de force.

    • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 11, 2015 at 7:48 am #

      Awww, my typo had a poem in it. One word, makes a big difference. Sorry.

      A jug of wine, a loaf of bread,
      and th…hey, don’t eat that, it’s not dead!
      You promise ‘interesting’, no pretense
      if the word’s taken in the Chinese sense,
      but if anyone else dares to try and apply it
      to you, I’ll put ‘em on a liquid diet.

  8. Tamra February 11, 2015 at 7:13 am #

    I love those little hearts! Here are a few of my “rejected” heart sayings:
    RU4Real?
    Don’t C It..
    RU@YRMother’s?
    YDon’tUFightFair?
    Help! I’m Stuck on U!

  9. Joe Plemon February 11, 2015 at 7:15 am #

    Be Mime

    Hugs and Disses

    • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 11, 2015 at 7:18 am #

      I bow to genius.

      “Be mime.”

      Yeah, I think that wins it.

    • Keli Gwyn February 11, 2015 at 9:07 am #

      I’m with Andrew. Your pithy put-downs are brilliant, Joe. You say so much with so little.

  10. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 11, 2015 at 7:16 am #

    Oh, one more…

    You look like you were just MADE to wear overalls!

  11. Diane Ashley February 11, 2015 at 7:34 am #

    How about:

    Dear John
    Be Gone
    Be His
    Be Hers

  12. Chris Storm February 11, 2015 at 7:52 am #

    Okay people, I was feeling guilty for writing that comment about the mole, but after reading these last few, I’m looking like an angel. LOL!

    • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 11, 2015 at 8:23 am #

      Chris, I donate this one to you, if you want it…

      “You’ve got good taste, you married an angel!”

  13. Jeanne Takenaka February 11, 2015 at 8:53 am #

    Right now, only these have come to mind, but I’ll stop back if more make me chuckle.

    “Was it something I said?”
    “I love you like a tooth ache.”

    This is fun, Karen, and I’m loving reading others’ creativity. 🙂

  14. Keli Gwyn February 11, 2015 at 9:17 am #

    I’ll toss a few rejected Valentine heart sayings into the mix.

    No way
    Just no
    Think again
    Dream on
    Go away
    Get lost
    Bug off
    Beat it
    In my nightmares
    Don’t call me
    U R not the 1
    XO? No!

    • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 11, 2015 at 9:29 am #

      Keli, you just inspired(?) one…

      Not currently accepting queries. Especially yours.

  15. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 11, 2015 at 9:26 am #

    This is like eating potato chips…

    When you take your meds, you’re great company.

    If you were a goat, I’d put you out to stud (obviously, to be delivered by a lady)

    Being with you is like eating potato chips…can’t get enough, so I eat the whole bag, and then I puke.

    You’re proof that God has apprentices.

  16. Heather FitzGerald February 11, 2015 at 9:56 am #

    You guys are brilliant! Some of you have very large candy hearts 🙂

    No way. Just sayin’

    Plain Jane isn’t my type.

    Fuhgeddaboudit!

    No loitering.

    Step away from the Beauty, you Beast.

    In your dreams. In my nightmares.

    Ain’t happenin’

    Move along.

    Two words: Restraining Order.

    You’re joking, right?

    I don’t do random acts of kindness.

    Go away . . . Make. My. Day.

  17. Jenelle. M February 11, 2015 at 9:58 am #

    How fun! I’m enjoying the morning laughs 🙂

    Please Leave
    True Like
    Cow Pie
    Be Friends?
    Never Ever
    Keep Dreaming
    Got Milk?
    Great Personality
    Not 4 Ever
    Cloud Zero
    My Humperdinck

    I had to throw that last one in because of your Princess Bride reference 😉

  18. heather February 11, 2015 at 10:29 am #

    Here’s one:

    Noooooo!

  19. Karen Ball February 11, 2015 at 10:56 am #

    Oh. My. GOSH! You guys are hilarious! I knew you could do it!

  20. Elspeth Allen February 11, 2015 at 11:08 am #

    No one likes a ducktail
    I need a chaser now
    Credit card declined
    Camels smell better
    Nipples aren’t better in threes
    Would rather kiss an eel
    Phlegm belongs at home

  21. Elspeth Allen February 11, 2015 at 11:25 am #

    Pass
    Next please
    Deodorant. It’s a thing.
    Crusties are for pizza

  22. Brad February 11, 2015 at 11:32 am #

    Just passin’ thru.

    Lover’s digest

    yummy tummy

    I’m melting!

    Boldly going where not heart has gone before

    Lips are pips, but teeth are a grind

  23. Elspeth Allen February 11, 2015 at 11:34 am #

    Ok, I promise, these are (maybe) my last ones:

    Be hers
    Slap!
    I don’t

  24. Cassie February 11, 2015 at 11:35 am #

    Save Some 4 Me
    Get Your Own

    That’s what I think when I have candy 🙂

  25. Steve Laube February 11, 2015 at 12:02 pm #

    None of these are original with me:

    “I Know” – Hans Solo

    U R My Oxford Comma

    Eat More Chickin

    • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 11, 2015 at 12:09 pm #

      “Eat more chickin” inspires this one –

      UR Long Pig

      Long Pig is New Guinea Pidgin for ‘people as food’; reputed to taste like chicken according to, of all people, Maria von Trapp (cf. her autobiography…really!)

  26. Judy Wallace February 11, 2015 at 12:08 pm #

    Husband and dog missing ..offering reward for the dog.

  27. Jennifer Zarifeh Major February 11, 2015 at 12:48 pm #

    So, how many cats do you have?

  28. Sandy Faye Mauck February 11, 2015 at 1:24 pm #

    Who can follow all that?
    All I got was a vision of Porky poppin’ chocolates

    That’s All Folks

  29. Tanara McCauley February 11, 2015 at 2:22 pm #

    Having fun reading all these! Here are mine:

    Forget me, no really

    Be making my dinner

    I loved you

    Yours figuratively

  30. Carrie Talbott February 11, 2015 at 3:17 pm #

    You did the best you could.

    I think, therefore I’m out.

    Taken, not stirred.

  31. Pamela Trawick February 11, 2015 at 3:27 pm #

    Maybe next year
    Mama’s boy
    I’ve got a brother
    Try another bag
    I’m not your frog
    She loves me not
    Cubic zirconia
    Can I sniff your butt?

  32. Sandy Faye Mauck February 11, 2015 at 3:43 pm #

    Buzz off honey

    Nice but no cigar

    Kiss me goodbye

    Oh, please

    Gimme a break

    Bor—ing

    Squeeze your dog

    Buy some nerds

    Hit the road jock

  33. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 11, 2015 at 3:44 pm #

    How about

    c’est non

    or perhaps…

    bon…not!

  34. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser February 11, 2015 at 3:55 pm #

    Almost forgot the Swahili version,,,

    Jambo, Jumbo!

    and with sincere apologies to Richard Lovelace, here’s the nadir of my offerings…

    I could not love thee, dear, so well,
    loved I not…what’s that SMELL?

  35. heather February 11, 2015 at 4:20 pm #

    Here’s another:

    Be Mine. Not!

  36. William Severt February 11, 2015 at 5:43 pm #

    Susie knew Mike was not good with words. To say he was an introvert was, well, understating the obvious. But . . . She saw beyond the crusty facade he put on for everyone else. She knew, deep down, he was a romantic at heart. And this–this proved it! A hand-made card, painstakingly (if childishly) crafted. And inside, not only a hand-printed note, “Hoping this works,” but five candy hearts. And . . . and these directions: “Numbers on back. Put in order.”
    Hands trembling, heart pounding, she arranged the little jewels of love in order. There was number 1.”What if?” Oh . . . Good start!
    2, 3 . . .
    Message assembled, she stared at the cryptic message . . .
    What If . . . Love Waits . . . Until . . . Prenup . . . Agreed?

  37. bn100 February 11, 2015 at 8:57 pm #

    I’ll pass
    mother nature was wrong
    I learned my lesson
    going, going, gone…

    • bn100 February 11, 2015 at 8:58 pm #

      obviously still looking

  38. Sabrina Cornman February 12, 2015 at 9:57 am #

    “Rn’t u gone yet?”
    “XOXO….Where’s my gum?”
    “Uhm, could I see bachelor # 2?”
    “Are we the last two people on Earth?”
    “Kiss Me! -Wait, where are my teeth?”

  39. Karen Ball February 13, 2015 at 11:26 am #

    Well, I’ve read and laughed and laughed and reread, and I can’t choose just one. Now remember, these were rejected sayings, so they can be long. Drum roll, please…

    Here are the four that made me laugh the hardest and longest:

    I think, therefore I’m out. (Carrie Talbot)
    Uhm, could I see bachelor #2? (Sabrina Cornman)
    XO? No! (Keli Gwyn)
    Two Words: Restraining Order (Heather FitzGerald)

    Thanks to each of you–and to everyone who took part–for the guffaws. And you four laugh-meisters, I have a box of candy hearts for each of you. They’re sitting on my desk, waiting to wing their way to you, so send your snail mail address to my assistant Peggy, at pwhitson@stevelaube.com, and they’ll be on their way!

    Happy Valentine’s Day, folks. And may you NEVER receive a candy heart with ANY of these messages.

    • Heather FitzGerald February 19, 2015 at 1:57 pm #

      Just remembered to check back! Nice surprise. Thank you so much 🙂

  40. karen Ball February 13, 2015 at 11:29 am #

    Oops! Forgot to add this:

    Special Mention/Appreciation goes to Andrew Budeck-Schmeisser for an abundance of wit!

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