I have never been asked to speak to a graduating class at any level of school. In the remote possibility someone does ask, I offer this blog post proving that I would be the worst speaker ever.
I don’t have a problem speaking to a group, tailoring a message to the group and making a point. The big issue would be the topics I cover. Most graduation speeches I have heard are an exercise in inspirational self-deception, but not my speech.
“For some of you, school was the best time of your life and the future will not be rosy. Without the structure of a school, you will have difficulty adjusting to life on your own terms.”
“For some, school was pure agony and you are happy to be finished with it. You might be consumed with trying to prove doubters wrong. Living with a chip on your shoulder is not a good life.”
“There is a good chance you will not have a fulfilling life of intellectual and emotionally stimulating work that has much eternal significance at all.”
“Some here will achieve their dreams and find a measure of happiness. Some will achieve their dreams and find them hollow and unfulfilling. Others will never achieve their dreams. “
“You will be competing and dealing with people two and three times your age who won’t give up their jobs without a fight. They might be threatened by you and not be the mentor you seek.”
“Men need to work with or compete with women and visa versa. No more isolating yourselves with people your age and gender. Sometimes it won’t be a good experience.”
You won’t hear that from graduation speakers. But you would from me. I must have the spiritual gift of discouragement or something.
If I ran my own author-training school (which if they knew ahead of time I would be speaking at graduation would have no students), here is the text of my brief remarks at the closing ceremony:
“Good afternoon graduates. Over the last several years, we have done everything in our power to impart to you the knowledge of writing books and publishing. Now you stand on the threshold of your destiny as authors.
But we have saved some information until today on the occasion of your graduation. These are crucial issues you have not yet heard that will make everything else work better in your writing career once understood.
From the look on your faces, I see you appear to be confused. While you are about to embark on a great mysterious journey called publishing we have prepared you for almost every situation. I said almost every situation.
So, here they are:
Get a day job that supports your life. Anything. Something just to pay the bills. It will be years before you earn a penny from writing books.
You will be rejected by an agent or publisher for the simple fact that they are having a bad day. Their morning coffee spilled on their smart phone and now they have to get a new one.
You will see books published that aren’t as good as yours and it will really make you angry.
Books you consider poorly written will earn millions of dollars in royalties and while you get all five-star reviews on Amazon, your book will sell hundreds.
Your favorite editor who “gets you” decides to go off the grid and hunt for Big Foot in Washington State.
The ship carrying your books from the printer in China will be stopped in the harbor by a longshoreman strike and you show up to your big book signing for 150 friends with no books and 150 people who vow to never let this happen again.
Your Facebook page will be hacked and you will be selling prescription drugs from India instead of your book.
There is a good chance that the first book you publish will be your last.
So, dear friends, as you go forth from these hallowed halls, we wish the best of luck on your careers. You will need it.”
That should just about do it. I have bought myself another five years of immunity from graduation speaking. I’ll schedule another frightful blog post for a few years down the road to buy more time.
The Gerbil Wheel of the Writing Life
Nothing like a good dose of reality. Or maybe a double dose. Your spiritual gift of discouragement reminds me of both Jesus with his would be followers and Simon Cowell with his would be stars. I bet you’ve never been compared with those two in the same sentence before.
Now…with more years of writing ahead of me before I earn a penny, I’d better get with it.
How is it possible that something so discouraging could actually leave me with a smile on my face? Definitely a gift, Dan!
Joan, ditto! It shows how gifted Dan is with truth and humor and it shows how passionate we are about about this craft.
Dan ,
If I ran a university (which I don’t – too busy writing books that have no agent and don’t sell) I would definitely bring you in as the graduation speaker!!
Have a great day and thanks!!
That….is…AWESOME!!! I think we need to stop blowing smoke up their x#÷% and be honest about what life is really like for once. You must have the jeremiah bug. I have this one….everything that God leads me to write about seems to be what others DON’T want to hear. Keep it up!! 🙂
Dan, these truths may not sound encouraging on the front end, but your words speak truth and reality. And in that, we can find encouragement, if viewed with the proper perspective. 🙂 Thanks for the dose of reality, and reminder of the need for stick-to-it-ive-ness (that is a word,right?). 😉
Laughing through the painful truth.Thanks for helping us digest reality with a grin. “A joyful heart is good medicine” (Proverbs 17:22 ESV), and it it helps smooth a few bumps in the road as we persevere.
Dan, you’re starting to sound like graduation speakers who actually do stand at campus podiums and promote the all too common false sense of entitlement and a victim mentality. Wah-wah-wah.
If only there was a book titled, If God Gave Your Graduation Speech. Oh wait, there is.
Dan, you may be getting letters. From people wanting you to speak. At least to their own children. (I’ll send my address later.)
Dan, I usually believe the preponderance of everything you have to say. In the case of your claim that you would be “the worst speaker ever” at a graduating class I’m kinda wondering.. Do you really know how big those shoes you would have to fill to make the claim of “the worst speaker ever”. lol
http://news.yahoo.com/high-school-principal-recants-apology-racially-charged-public-062826167.html
Wow…I guess I wouldn’t be as bad as I thought.
A good indication you need to resign or retire is when you hate the students and families. Not a good thing for an educator.
It is always comforting to find out someone is worse than me.
🙂
Dan, I had to laugh, too. The truth hurts but when you have walked it out you can laugh about it.
You would be the grad speaker. I would have to be the reality preacher.
As I see my grandson— young Mr. Gung-Ho for God ready to take on the world, I want to tell him that the church won’t love him, not if he preaches the truth—not if he walks in the steps of the Savior, not if he reads the word and sees the sin and actually tells people the truth, even in innocence. The potluck plotters will hate him when he messes with their doctrines of men.
It is all the same. Dan, you want to speak the truth but in youth they can’t hear it. Life is hard but they have to walk it—Christian and writer.
Let the encouragers encourage and keep us going but let the prophets keep us from false expectations and self serving foolishness. Amen.
Nailed it. 🙂
Perfectly appropriate for this graduation season 🙂
Hunting for big foot in Washington. Snort. Perhaps some editors wish they could…
Well, I guess you could have given me the same speech when I graduated from the womb, only no one would do that. It is true that life beyond the safety and certainty of the womb is destined to be hard, but at least it will be less cramped, with better lights and you also get to kick something meaningful. The instinct to live is so compelling that the baby signals the onset of contractions. I could also tell young men off to war that they have a 62.53% chance of dying or being seriously wounded, but few would listen. The instinct or passion that drives anyone to write is as potent, but only doubtful starters would turn away despite the doom and gloom. The parable of the sower comes to mind – for many, the call to write falls on hard ground, to others it gets choked by the cares of life – and so on. But for those whose hearts are fertile, God will sow a vision and purpose that will drive through hard, intractable earth, roll away rocks, tear down walls and fight the shadows, until they rise above the forest canopy to sway in the winds of rest and fulfillment. Many leaders bemoan a lack of passion in people, but if it is there and under its own power, all it needs is direction to channel that passion into something beautiful, so let’s not suppress that. Rather, lets help each other to reach the west. In my darkest hours, I had many well meaning counselors who knew it all, but to the most persistent one I said, “Colleen McCullough’s thorn bird sang its most beautiful song in its death throws, just as the greatest music, the greatest art and the greatest poetry has emerged from the greatest pain”. So my graduation speech would be an echo of Churchill’s, “never, never, never give up”, for I would rather have fought and lost than not to have tried at all.
Well said Peter!
We have a race to run and we are supposed to set our face like flint to the goal. Not ours but His.
I Cor 9:24 No ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.
Hebrews 12:1,2 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of God.
After enjoying your blogposts for some time,Dan, I knew you had it in you! Nice work making sure you don’t get THAT job. And make us laugh while you’re at it.
How long have you been thinking these things,Dan? Where did these thoughts come from? Brisk, bold and true. How long did it take you to craft these thoughts? It would have been good at a third of the length but you poured out evidence of care in a continuous humorous mode that made your point of what is really needed. I appreciate your work.