In 1999, Chronicle Books published the first in a series of rather unique books, The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook; and it sold ten million copies, launching a multimedia franchise. Over a dozen books followed, as well as games, TV series, and other merchandise.
Authors Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht built the books around extreme, need-based topics, like how to jump from a moving train or what to do if you have a tarantula sitting on you. Maybe it’s only me, but I’ve always wondered how to escape from a car hanging over the edge of a cliff!
I think it is about time to create a survival guide for authors because no matter how experienced you are or how wisely you manage your work, nothing will prepare you for the real life of a published author.
Here are some tips from the never-to-be-published edition of the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Guide: Author Edition.
How to Overcome Writer’s Block. Take multiple cleansing breaths to clear your head. Exhale. Grasp a midsize paperback book and strike yourself sharply between the eyes. If nothing comes to mind to write, repeat using a hardcover book. Writer’s block is a myth and only exists in writers who have other sources of income.
How to Get an Agent’s Attention at a Writer’s Conference. Take multiple cleansing breaths to clear your head. Exhale. Take a midsize paperback book and strike yourself sharply between the eyes. If the agent doesn’t look up and ask if you are okay, repeat using a hardcover book.
What to Do When You Realize an Interviewer Hasn’t Read Your Book. Take multiple cleansing breaths to clear your head. Exhale. If done over a Zoom call, mute your microphone and sing the second chorus of the legendary song “What Does the Fox Say?” It’s quite emotionally liberating. If you are interviewed in person, take a midsize paperback book and strike the interviewer sharply between the eyes.
What to Do When You Realize a Troll Is Trying to Wreck Your Amazon Reviews. Hold your breath and count to twenty. Exit Amazon.com and take a walk, noticing how the trees don’t care about your Amazon reviews and the squirrels and foxes couldn’t care less. Perspective gained.
What to Do When Your Friends and Family Who Urged You to Write a Book Still Haven’t Read the Free Copy You Gave Them. Hold your breath until you turn blue and pass out. If that doesn’t work, just let it go. They are your family, for Pete’s sake.
What to Do When the Pen You Are Using to Sign Books Runs Out of Ink. Always bring a dip pen with you so if this happens, you can find a way to extract some blood from your body. It is oddly appropriate to use it to sign books. The waiting customers won’t be creeped out at all. It’s perfectly normal behavior for an author. They will understand.
What to Do When a Person Hasn’t Heard of You Even Though Your Book Is a Bestseller. Take a deep breath and exhale. Welcome to the world of the published author.
Let’s Talk About Money
When I took up the writer’s life
my hope ascended to the skies,
to which then gazed my dear sweet wife
every time she rolled her eyes
at the vaunts I said aloud;
‘Dear,’ she said, ‘let’s wait and see.’
But hubris would not be cowed,
and fame was waiting there for me
just around the very next
turn in the author’s gilded way,
but I did not read the text
on roadside sign, for it did say
‘Know the truth writ here, my friend;
it’s YOU that has gone ’round the bend.’
I’m practicing, Dan. Thanks for the perspective check!
Thank you, my dear Dan, for making me laugh this morning. My head hurts! lol
I would simply like to say that I fully endorse the advice given in this post, and will testify that all of the actions suggested by Dan work perfectly, especially the one about signing books with blood.
Dear Dan,
You are the first person I would invite to a party. Hilarious! I love your writing.
As long as the party doesn’t go beyond 9:00pm, I’m good!
Are you sure it won’t be published soon?
No doubt Netflix would make a documentary as well!
Seriously, though, GREAT ARTICLE!!!
John Riddle
Freelance Writer, Author, Ghostwriter & Donut Eater
Founder of I Love To Write Day
Still laughing.
Thank you for this, Mr Balow! It both puts publication into perspective but also made me laugh today. 🙂
Thanks for the laugh!
Thanks for a good laugh on this Tuesday morning, Dan. After I finished reading your advice, I thought, “He should really write a book on Survival for Authors.” Then I searched for such a book, and there are several out there! Maybe you should add your humorous take to the others.
I’ll definitely use number 2 at Write to Publish XD
Thanks, Dan, for the smiles!
Thank you for the insight and update. I was laughing so hard it was difficult to type.
Now we know why head banging is popular with youth.
Efficiently we could read our books to everyone at the dinner table on Thanksgiving if it weren’t for the risk of being uninvited next year. Think of the food.
I loved your blog post. Thank you for breaking apart the stress walls.
Violet Barkley, author
Delightful! Thanks for the laughs.
Dear Dan,
Now I know how I’ll be able to identify you at the WTP conference. I’ll look for the gentleman with the flattop! Thanks for the hilarious overview! This was a great smile on a gloomy day!! See you next week!
Thanks, Dan, for the breathing exercises. However, I would not survive the paperback book (my own) and will not try hardcover.
Ha! This is great. Thanks for the chuckle.
LOVE IT!!
Bwahahahaha I was relieved and kind of excited to know these challenges call for skills I already use frequently.
Thank you for the satire. I hope you never experience a cliffhanger.
Oh my! This was just what I needed today! Thank you for the laughter and the encouragement.
Hilarious! You’ll recognize me at the Write to Publish Conference…. the person with the bruises on her forehead.
I was concentrating then I just burst out laughing 😃 🤣