The following are not original. Collected from the Internet with glee.
Enjoy! Feel free to come up with your own in the comments below.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Three guys are sitting together in the park.
#1: “…Yeah, I make $125,000 a year after taxes.”
#2: “What do you do for a living?”
#1: “I’m a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: “I should clear $90,000 this year.”
#1: “What do you do?”
#2: “I’m an architect.”
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: “Hey, how much do you make per year?”
#3: “I guess about $11,000.”
#1: “Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?”
What do you get when you cross a writer with a deadline?
A really clean house.
If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published.
A screenwriter comes home to a burned-down house. His sobbing and slightly singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, and the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in a second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is–”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You’ve already screwed in too many light bulbs. Repetition!
Q: How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: But why do we have to CHANGE it?
Q: How many reviewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to tell you why they didn’t like how you did it.
Q: How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but you also need an editor, proofreader, cover artist, and an agent to be there at the same time.
Your Turn!
Keeping Grounded
I needed this laugh! Thanks!
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
You know you’re a writer when you spend most of your time talking to imaginary people who tell you to write their story they way they want it written, or they’ll never talk to you again.
You know you’re a writer when you get even with someone who has wronged you by writing them into your next story…and then killing them off.
You know you’re a writer when you have to thoroughly clean your keyboard every month and pull out the remains from your breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Actually it was complicated
The Lord was the Writer, Moses was the publisher, the Hebrews were the target audience. Here’s what happened:
The Writer got distracted with irrelevant details about taberacles and vestments, and missed the deadline. In the meantime Aaron self-published a book aimed at the same target audience. It became a best seller, and when Moses was finally able (after 40 days and nights) to publish the Writer’s Book, it got no sales.
The Writer then did what every writer dreams of – He punished the target audience for not buying His book.
Satan comes to an agent and says, “I will make you the most powerful agent in Hollywood. All the big stars, all the big directors. But you must pledge to me the soul of your first-born child, and the soul of your first-born grandchild.”
The agent thinks a moment, then says, “So what’s the catch?”
How many bookstore owners does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn’t matter, they don’t exist anymore. But that’s okay because you can go online and learn how to change it yourself.
Thanks for the uplifting humor. It brightened my morning.
love the funnies! Thank you, everyone!
Some of them I will steal and put onto my author page on FB. Or WordPress….
*Live, laugh, love and write. And if that doesn’t work, load, aim and fire…*
*The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid, because no one would be able to find it…*
*Pay no attention to my browsing history. I’m a writer, not a serial killer…*
Last but not least: *I put Red Bull in my coffee maker instead of water, and now I can see noises.*
You can probably figure out my favorite genres…
I love these!
What do you get when you cross a writer with a deadline? An ER visit! I cut through the bathroom on the way to my living room to write for the morning and the shower beckoned me. “Come,” it said, “clean me.” Here is what ensued:
The Bible says, if any man thinks he stands, take heed lest he fall. What it doesn’t specify is that you’re stupid if you don’t wear flip flops when cleaning the shower, which I always do. Except for when I didn’t so I slipped and went, “kaboom!” in the cleaner called Kaboom. And then my shoulder went ka-pop, and our bank account went kaput. Then I did the math. It’s actually cheaper to hire a maid to… https://tattooitonyourheart.com/2018/06/22/kaboom/
OK, that one about the clean house really hit home…
Anyway, I just wanted to say I looked up Galatians 1:10 and can’t help but feel overwhelmed at how many times like that God prompted me to pray with someone today and it turned out to be His words completely. He is so, so good!
Hope you’ve enjoyed the gala by now. I wasn’t feeling well and am enjoying my pjs. 😉
Thanks for the giggles. Looking forward to next Friday’s installment. It was a pleasure to meet you during Thursday’s dinner. Maybe Friday’s will be about a Leprechaun wearing a nose ring : )
Loved them! Thanks for sharing, Steve!