The following are not original. Collected from the Internet with glee.
Enjoy! Feel free to come up with your own in the comments below.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Three guys are sitting together in the park.
#1: “…Yeah, I make $125,000 a year after taxes.”
#2: “What do you do for a living?”
#1: “I’m a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: “I should clear $90,000 this year.”
#1: “What do you do?”
#2: “I’m an architect.”
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: “Hey, how much do you make per year?”
#3: “I guess about $11,000.”
#1: “Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?”
What do you get when you cross a writer with a deadline?
A really clean house.
If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published.
A screenwriter comes home to a burned-down house. His sobbing and slightly singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, and the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in a second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is–”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You’ve already screwed in too many light bulbs. Repetition!
Q: How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: But why do we have to CHANGE it?
Q: How many reviewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to tell you why they didn’t like how you did it.
Q: How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but you also need an editor, proofreader, cover artist, and an agent to be there at the same time.