10 Haughty Author Commandments That Agents Must Obey

Composed with tongue firmly in cheek. Send to yours and maketh your agent weepeth.

10 Haughty Author Commandments That Agents Must Obey

I. Thou shalt have no other authors before me.

II. Thou shalt adore all my ideas and declare them holy.

III. Thou shalt personally guarantee my financial success.

IV. Thou shalt send me to Bora Bora on my birthday and send a wad o’ cash at Christmas.

V. Thou shalt answer my phone calls on the first ring.

VI. Thou shalt take your vacation at a time I deem convenient.

VII. Thou shalt take me out for expensive meals and gleefully pay for everything.

VIII. Thou shalt loan me money without complaint and never use the word “debt.”

IX. Thou shalt praise my literary prowess at every opportunity.

X. Thou shalt read every word I write the same day, nae the same hour, I send it to you.

 

Flaunt the accomplishment of these commandments at your peril.

 

 

If you want to read the “other” side, please find “Ten Commandments for Working with Your Agent.”

 

14 Responses to 10 Haughty Author Commandments That Agents Must Obey

  1. Avatar
    Roberta Sarver June 22, 2020 at 5:45 am #

    Steve, I lovest thy tongue-in-cheek writing. It smackest of wisdom.

  2. Avatar
    Sheri Dean Parmelee, Ph.D. June 22, 2020 at 6:14 am #

    Amen and amen……or not. Very funny! Was this Fun Friday or Hysterical Monday? No, somehow, the name for Monday doesn’t quite make it…..but it was quite enjoyable.

  3. Avatar
    Andrew Budek-Schmeisser June 22, 2020 at 7:09 am #

    Steve, this is so good!

    My directive to you is a bit different, and it’s dead-sincere.

    I’d ask for your attention,
    for your agent-care,
    but all I can now mention
    is, may I have your prayers?
    There is so much left to write
    (I’ve a story about sailing),
    but cancer is a losing fight
    and my body’s failing.
    So if I may come up and ask
    (and you’ve got me pretty awed),
    could I give you one small task:
    represent my heart to God,
    that He keep me in the writing dance
    with miracle, and one more chance?

  4. Avatar
    Amber Schamel Lemus June 22, 2020 at 7:55 am #

    Hahaha, I can just see the agent turning around and saying, “And thee, dear author, shalt obey all 10 of my commandments as well.”

    1) Ne’er shalt thou complain about a deadline.

    2) Yea, thou shalt complete manuscripts and turn them over to me two months prior to the deadline.

    3) Thou shalt never have grammatical errors in thy submitted work.

    4) Thou shalt understand everything I explain to thee in the first time thou hearest it.

    5) Thou shalt always accept my recommendations on thy work, and stand in awe of my wisdom as a demigod.

    6) Thou shalt send me Omaha Steaks every 5th of the month out of thy sincerest gratitude for my unmatched prowess.

    7) Remember thy book contract signing anniversary and keep it holy. Thou shalt hold a festival in my honor by taking me on a cruise to exotic places.

    8) Thou shalt spend 14 hours of thy day marketing thy books, and the other 10 creating new, fresh content void of cliches and boredom.

    9) Honor thy agent and commitments and it shall be well with thee.

    10) My word is a lamp unto thy feet, and a light to thy literary path. Thou shalt have no other advisors above me.

  5. Avatar
    Nancy Mehl June 22, 2020 at 8:46 am #

    You’ll loan me money??? Why am I just now finding this out??? 😉

  6. Avatar
    Jeff H Blake June 22, 2020 at 9:44 am #

    Very funny!

  7. Avatar
    Jane Maree June 22, 2020 at 6:04 pm #

    Hahahaha!! Love this! 😂😂

  8. Avatar
    Janet Ann Collins June 22, 2020 at 8:44 pm #

    If only…

  9. Avatar
    Karen Ingle June 23, 2020 at 1:38 pm #

    This was my best laugh yet today!

  10. Avatar
    GF Watkins June 23, 2020 at 1:42 pm #

    I’d like to visit with a top agent. This is my website.
    I’ve published 6 books, built churches, built the best Christian retreat in TX, travelled the world, discipled by Dr Ed Cole, and am interested in writing more.

    Would like to talk about last two projects and about new ones.
    GFWatkins.org
    JordanRanch.org

  11. Avatar
    GF Watkins June 23, 2020 at 1:42 pm #

    I’d like to visit with a top agent. This is my website.
    I’ve published 6 books, built churches, built the best Christian retreat in TX, travelled the world, discipled by Dr Ed Cole, and am interested in writing more.

    Would like to talk about last two projects and about new ones.
    GF Watkins
    JordanRanch.org

  12. Avatar
    Kathy Sheldon Davis June 23, 2020 at 5:04 pm #

    And they say writers need to develop a thick skin. I say agents too, like Mr. Laube who manages his perfectly by keeping it slathered with laughs. Thanks for sharing the ointment.

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