Do not compare one person with another: it is a hateful thing to do. – St. Teresa of Avila
I think this is one of the hardest of St. Teresa’s 69 maxims. After all, we make comparisons between others every day. Some are not healthy, such as, “Who is my favorite in-law?” Does it matter? Should you form an opinion to justify treating one person better than another? Or worse, use an unfavorable comparison to justify gossiping?
Other times, we are forced to compare to gain the most benefit from limited time. For example:
Who’s on the bestseller list?
Do I read a book by this author or that author?
Does Author A or Author B tell a better story or write the more helpful book?
But it’s not healthy to compare ourselves to others. Why? Because you’re then stepping in a field of emotional land mines, including false pride and discouragement:
That author seems to write a book a day, but I struggle to complete a book a year. I’ll never be as successful as he is.
I have a feeling my publisher isn’t as prestigious as some other publishers. I deserve to be published by the best. Why can’t they see that?
Why did that author get a book contract and I didn’t? Maybe I should give up.
Does that author get better terms than I do on my contracts? It sure looks like it, considering she just bought a new designer handbag. Why can’t I get her contract terms?
Ha! I got a great book deal! That will show them!
I’m so depressed. My best friend got a book deal and I didn’t.
I could be on every bestseller list for years but they will not acknowledge my success. I hate my life.
Well, obviously that panel of judges has no taste, because I didn’t win the contest.
My author friend has no money worries, but my book didn’t even earn out. Life is so unfair!
My writing is so much better than hers. Why didn’t I get that award?
Why does that author get accolades? She’s a lousy writer.
Cultivating a Healthy Attitude
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. – Oscar Wilde
All of us experience negative, prideful, and other unhelpful emotions at times. When you do, acknowledge your feelings, then let them go, giving them to the Lord. Work on being the person and writer you are, fulfilling God’s plan for your life, not someone else’s. One of the most effective ways to reach this goal is to avoid comparing yourself and your career to that of others, even in victory. After all, it takes grace and courage to be a gracious “loser” but much more grace, tact, and kindness to be a gracious victor.
Your turn:
What tips can you offer discouraged authors?
How did you gain your big breakthrough?
When was an enviable situation not all that it seemed?
New Year, New First Lines!
Ah, Tamela! This is such a tough subject, and you are such an encourager! One of my greatest tips is to keep yourself grounded in God’s timing. When I am able to un-distract myself from playing the comparison game, and focus on God’s timing and how much He’s shown up in my writing journey, I anchor myself to my purpose and realize that I have a unique part to play. Another thing is, once I let go of my own expectations and just write for the love of writing, that’s when God ushers me forward on my writing path. So I say grounding in God’s timing, His purpose for me, and letting go of expectations are lifesavers for me to quit the game of comparing.
Absolutely, Angie!
Frequent comparing of oneself to another is an indication of a more deep-rooted problem, in my humble opinion. Often it’s envy and oh, such a hard topic for Christian writers since I think you have to have a bit of ego to do this work successfully. Gracious ego, but ego all the same.
Whenever I feel I’m pointed in this direction I do two things: pray and find a writing project into which I can focus all my energy. And like anything, while writing may be something an individual loves to do, it may not be God’s calling for that person’s life. That can be hard to accept, and if one finds themselves going through a lot of comparing themselves to others in whatever context, this could be a sign one is actually fighting God’s will.
I think writing is an endeavor God’s laid on my heart and for which He’s given me some talent, so I keep at it. But it’s very hard work with no guarantees on a return in investment, other than if I can reach one person for the Kingdom, just ONE, it’s worth it. I figure sans any “commercial” success, I’m at least storing up treasure in Heaven. And isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing? There have been ups and downs, but as Gene Fowler was once quoted:
“Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.”
The same guy who said: “Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.”
Tamela, as to how I gained my “big breakthrough?” Still waiting for it. 😉
Joe, I’m sure the Lord has great plans for you! I appreciate your attitude, and agree with you. I sometimes tell authors that the Lord may have a particular person or persons He wants your writing to reach — and that He will time publication accordingly.
I hadn’t heard the second quote before. A lot to ponder there, especially when your feelings are hurt.
Thanks for stopping by!
One of the words of encouragement I received early in my freelance career that has helped me tremendously –and one that I often repeat to authors I work with– is from Sally Stuart’s Introduction to the 2007 Christian Writers’ Market Guide. She wrote:
“As I remind you every year, each of you has been given a specific mission in the field of writing. You and I often feel inadequate to the task, but I learned a long time ago that the writing assignments God has given me cannot be written quite as well by anyone else.”
Yes, each author is uniquely talented! That’s why even though there are only seven, nine, or fifteen basic plots (depending on the speaker), each book is different.
Remember that discouragement takes root only when we let it reside in our hearts. Focusing on where God has you at right this moment–and rejoicing because it’s exactly where you need to be as ordained by our Heavenly Father!–can help remove the jealousy and woe-is-me blinders. We’re all on different paths heading to the same finish line–how we get there will not look the same. One person’s overnight success is another person’s 10-year slog, but both are fulfilling their calling as writers.
And we need to stop defining success in terms of money earned or status on a best-seller list. Success could be having a book that helped readers change and grow and become better people…but not sell enough copies to earn back the advance.
Sometimes, the journey IS the purpose and discouragement is really our impatience with where God has placed us. And the more we embrace our spot on the road, the more we celebrate and rejoice in that, the more we are conformed to His will and beauty.
And remember that success can also come creeping up when we least expect it, when we’ve slogged and pushed and prayed and tried and promoted and prayed some more, and had joy in the process.
Very good insights, Sarah! So glad you shared with us today.
Edward Arlington Robinson said it best in his poem, “Richard Cory”:
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
‘Good-morning,’ and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich – yes, richer than a king –
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
Oh my! This poem says so many things. Again, words to ponder.
I have always loved this poem, Andrew. Thanks for posting it to remind us that the “successful” who walk among us often suffer great hidden pain and need our friendship as much as the poorest person we know.
Tamela, I use a little book of advice titled LIVE, LEARN, AND PASS IT ON to open a lesson I teach to my high school seniors. One bit of advice I stress over and over–to my students, to my teenage daughters–applies here: “Don’t compare yourself to the best others can do. Compare yourself to the best you can do.” Another person’s strengths may not be our strengths. We need to measure ourselves against ourselves. That is a steady, constant benchmark that allows us to see improvement. When we measure against everyone else, the benchmark constantly fluctuates. But more importantly, it’s hard on the heart and makes us overlook the unique gifts God has given us. Thank you for this post. I needed this reminder today!
Karen, you are so welcome! Thanks for the book recommendation, too.
As for the benchmark moving? Indeed. That is why once we buy the biggest house/car/jewelry/computer, almost immediately, we notice that someone else has the same — only bigger! A never-ending race. Better to be content.
If I may be permitted a second comment –
Comparison ended for me when I realized that envy would will the blessings and graces in my life into oblivion.
For instance, had I become the successful author I wanted to be, Bella The Miracle Dog would have died in a roadside ditch, attended only by the ravens who waited for her to weaken. But today she can hop about on three legs, in spite of a broken and displaced spine. And her energy…she’s like Toto without the decaf.
And my wife! Had the Writing Dream come true, she would have worked in my shadow, as my strong right arm, since my health was already going. But now she has discovered her own strength and talent and confidence, in a demanding job in a very technical industry I can’t hope to understand…and she’s balancing personnel management on top of everything else.
I had to fall so that Barbara could rise; I had to fall so that Bella could live.
I’ll take that, with gratitude.
A very touching testimony, Andrew.
I have experienced envy and jealousy of other writers who were getting contracts, but nothing was happening for me. I finally had a “Come to Jesus” meeting and listened to His voice telling me to wait. That’s when I developed the 3 P’s for my writing life:
PRAYER
PATIENCE
PERSEVERANCE
God’s timing is something for which we cannot plan. When His plan sets things in motion, success will come. My break didn’t come until I was 73, and that came through Tamela’s perseverance for me and God’s perfect timing.
Each day we can choose how we face that day. Choose encouragement, happiness, joy, and thank the Lord for giving you another day to serve Him. Even if publication never comes your way, He will say, “Well done, my child.” because you followed His will for your life and you were faithful.
If success comes, then be an encourager for those still on the journey. Share your heart, your experiences and your faith.
I’m not slowing down even as I approach my 81st birthday this year. I will work as long as the Lord gives me the words to write or He decides to bring me home.
Martha, you are amazing! I’m so glad to be on this journey with you, and to call you a friend!
Tamela,
Interesting topic of comparisons. We can learn a lot from observing others but I believe we have to stay in our own lane and write the things that God has called us to write and work with the people that God brings into our lives.
Everyone looks at people who succeed as being an overnight success. What I’ve learned from interviewing more than 150 authors is there are no overnight successes. I’m currently listening to a Bruce Springsteen book–and even someone as wildly successful as him did not begin that way. His mother rented him a guitar and he tried it and decided it was not for him. Only through hours of persistence did he get into his groove. It’s a lesson for all of us when we compare.
Terry
Terry, this is a great reminder of how we forget that the one we envy has earned success. Very few people find success dropped into their laps. Appreciate the observation.
Great article. It is hard to not compare ourselves to others, after all, many of us compare ourselves to other in other areas of our life, so why not in writing? We are sometimes like kids in the back seat of a car whose mom split her last stick of gum in two, each youngster eyeing which one is bigger or better. For the Christian writer, it comes down to TRUST. Trusting that the One we ultimately write for has our best interest in mind despite what we perceive as being equal or unfair. Wondering if someone else got the bigger half.
I have heard countless times, “If I could write this book to change the life of just one person it would be worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears.”
My response is, “What if you are that one person?”
When we take to heart that the Lord might have something different in mind for what we write, we can let go of comparing and spend time and energy pressing in to what the Lord might want us to hear. He will use everything for his glory whether it includes being on the New York Times bestseller list or not.
Writing is hard, and we need always to be working towards becoming a more skilled in the craft. It is hard not to compare ourselves to others when we are frustrated and anxious, but seriously, the Lord can handle that too. Love the timeless hymn written in 1887. “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus..but to trust and obey.”
Amen! If we are too busy working, we don’t have time to be envious!
Ah great success with this blog as you elicited others to not only read but write! I gained so much from reading all this … what a blessed and humble group.
Two things from my limited experience:
1. I did “pay to publish” and learned quickly about comparisons … ouch! I was wounded but not mortally and learned a lot.
2. I was humbled when a reader expressed my book had helped them through a difficult time. So an audience of one is indeed worthwhile … Jesus thought so too.
What a joy to know that someone was impacted by your book…because they will go on to impact others as well. We don’t always see the numbers, but what a joy to know that others will be touched because of what you shared.
Wonderful insights and responses. Great blog, Tamela. An important topic that we all need to ponder and discuss.
Thanks, Karen. I posted a question on Facebook about envy and received many insightful responses there, too. Truly, this topic touches a nerve — or two — or three…
I have no big breakthrough as an author of fiction, but I was reasonably successful in my tech career. The funny thing about awards is how short a time they mean anything. I might win one year, but the next year there is a new winner, and the memory of my win quickly fades from all but my own view. Now the plaques are on a shelf in the garage with the other things I brought home when I retired.
What success will have lasting value? I’m looking forward to the day I get an email about how my novel helped someone find a new or deeper faith in Jesus when they read it. That’s a treasure worth framing and hanging on the wall to remind me that the prizes worthy of all the effort it takes to get there will never end up on a garage shelf.
Carol, this is a perfect example of storing treasures in Heaven rather than in the world.
Oh gosh, I used to struggle with this.
With my current WIP, I kept second guessing certain elements in the story since everything I was reading had heavy magic. I thought I needed to step up my magic, that’s the trend right now. But every time I tried to outline where and how, nothing ever felt right, good, or peaceful. I clung to Colossians and Ephesians where it says to work for the Lord and not for men. Good confirmation that I need to be obedient to the story God has placed on my heart.
Now, if I read a story that’s brilliant, I smile, congratulate the author and move forward with my own work. That peace in knowing that I’m staying true to my path is all the confidence I need.
A great testimony to staying with God’s timeline!
There have been times when I compared myself to other new writers. I have learned that we all are on our own journey in writing. Some days, my story flows and some days, I am at a stand still. I am created by God and that makes me special. No more comparing for me. 🙂
Too funny. I’ve heard writers at conferences say some of those very things. In answer to your questions, I’ve only been seriously discouraged once so I stepped away from my computer. After a couple of days, I was drawn back to my chair with a better attitude. Taking a breather and praying for direction works for me. My breakthrough came when I began entering contests. Yay! Like Melissa said, no more comparing for me either. All this does is cause a vicious circle of discouragement. I prefer to be happy with who I am and step through whatever doors God opens.
Thanks. Good info. My “comparison problem” is: I know my book is good but am afraid I am the only one who will think that! That negative attitude/feeling has kept me from actually trying to publish it.
The working title is “Hangin’ Billy”. Betty
OOps meant the say “think” my book is good and not “know” my book is good. Betty
Dear Tamela,
In Garrison Keeler’s fantasy community, Lake Woebegone Village, all of the kids are above average.
The hoary bell curve may encourage us to compare ourselves to ourselves in most every area; and that surely can hurt, at times.
But surely God, who created us each w/ individual traits, aptitudes and ‘easy’ stand-out areas, would be glad if we thought of ourselves as a candles, sitting high to shine for everyone–made available solely to allow folks to praise God for the light.
I find complimenting others on their success whether a book contract, acquiring an agent or finishing their third book that year is always the best way to keep my attitude in check. When I grumble or feel something is unfair, my heart sours. I take my eyes off God and the good things he is doing in my life and writing journey, and puts the focus on theirs.