In a startling revelation this week, the Foundation for Applied Knowledge and Enterprise (FAKE) in Danville, Delaware released the findings of their ten-year research study to identify unreached markets for printed books.
Since the human market has been fully reached with books, the methodology used by FAKE was to determine which species of life on earth was advanced enough to warrant creating entire publishing categories for them.
“We began with a specific framework for our study. Since all humans evolved from other forms of life, there must be an animal in a relatively close second place to the homosapien. Once identified, we focused our attention on the needs of that market and recommend a publishing approach to reach them,” said Darwin Hooey, president and founder of FAKE.
The standards used to measure and rank life forms were:
Building a form of transportation
Building a form of housing
Mass food development
Ability to hold a book
Ability to operate an eBook reader
Ability to write a book
Use of a reasonably recognized monetary system
Presence of a retail market
“One point was given to a life-form showing strong association for one of the eleven standards and a fractional number given if ability was present, but not fully developed,” said Hooey.
“Honestly, we were startled by the results of our study. After careful analysis of all life forms, we determined the species representing the most likely second market for book publishers are a mammal in the Chordata phylum, a member of Rodentia order and the Castoridae family of animals.”
“They are more commonly called a beaver.”
“We at FAKE continued our study to give specific direction to publishers who wish to create projects for this market, researching categories of books and even suggesting some market-driven titles.”
In the over three thousand page government-funded FAKE report, the following titles and categories of books were suggested as having strong sales potential:
All I Need Are My Two Front Teeth: A memoir of self-reliance
Tree Bark Recipes
100 Great Lodge Designs
100 Dam Plans
All You Need is Mud: Making Your World Work for You
Exercises to Keep Your Tail Flat
The Hunger Games: Chew on It
Fifty Shades of Fur
They Called Me Rodent: Dealing with School Bullies
Hunted Down: Black Market Pelts
Great Lodges of California
Frankly My Deer I Built a Dam
Buck Teeth as a Fashion Statement
Deforestation: A Dream, A Goal, A Mission
The Urban Beaver: Hanging on by their teeth
Hairy Potter and the Half-Blood Woodchuck
Using Unarmed Traps as Household Decorations
I Leveled An Entire Forest: Confessions of an OCD Beaver
Since releasing this comprehensive report on alternate book markets, FAKE has turned it’s attention to other important and critical endeavors, mainly a study to determine which species of life would be a solid new market for new car makers. Early indications are the North American deer is a focus of further study, showing solid promise for the car industry. “They seem to gravitate to headlights,” remarked Hooey.
Um, seriously. I’ve got nothing.
At least I got a great Friday morning laugh. ??
And the thought of a beaver laying in the water with a book in its hands in cute.
I laughed. Out loud! What a hoot and yet profound. Thank you
Very funny! Happy April Fools Day!
This made my day!
Thank you for sharing a bit humor today. I needed a good chuckle to go along with my morning coffee.
Love the book titles! However, FAKE isn’t the first to tap into selling to the animal market. In the movie, Scrooged, the TV producer wanted product placement for cats and dogs in his shows. Now we even have TV shows made exclusively for dog relaxation.
If only someone could create a credit card which would take a paw imprint for animals to sign for products, we could expand the market. Too bad we can only rely on their adoptive human parents to provide the purchase.
Hooeyrific findings! 😉
Oh, my gravy! I laughed so hard, I tipped my coffee over! 🙂
Dan – give up the writing and agent gig – you were made for comedy!!!
Thanks for a great laugh!
Happy April Fools Day to you, too, Dan.
Don’t forget “C.S. Lewis and the Beavers of Narnia: A First Look at Beaver Potential”…
Rebecca LuElla Miller
Love, love, love the beaver titles. So many good ones, but some of my favorites are Fifty Shades Of Fur; They Called Me Rodent: Dealing with School Bullies; Deforestation: A Dream, A Goal, A Mission; The Urban Beaver: Hanging on by their teeth. But my all-time favorite has got to be Frankly My Deer I Built a Dam.
They’re all really clever, as is the entire post. Very fun and creative, Dan.
There’s another undeveloped market for books with strong potential. Parrots already appreciate the newspapers at the bottom of the cage. It’s not a huge leap to books.
And a happy April fools to you too! Loved it!
Thanks for a great laugh. April Fool’s can be fun. 🙂 Titles for Beaver were right on.
Jerry B. Jenkins
I don’t know why everybody thinks this is so funny. Isn’t this what we’ve all been looking for? Thanks, Dan, for ferreting out this new market.
Hmm. Ferrets. Gets me thinking.
How about cats? My Sophie loves to type on my keyboard. So far she’s not come up with anything I think is publishable, but who knows? Also, puppies like newspapers, but maybe the market is already saturated.
So funny! I particularly like this title: “All You Need is Mud: Making Your World Work for You.” Thanks for the laugh. 🙂