Returning Lemonade to the Lemons

Arrogant Writer

In my opinion, there are too many suggestions to improve things. Ten keys to success, five days to improving something, 12 steps to overcoming something, transform something by the end of the week, etc.

An entirely neglected approach to life is how to make it go sour. Messing it up needs equal time and attention. Not enough is written about it and not enough time is spent discussing it.

Until now.

Forget making lemonade from lemons, here are eleven proven methods to putting the lemonade back where it belongs…and derail your otherwise tolerable writing life. Do these all in one week and I will guarantee a sour experience, like chugging a tall glass of warm unsweetened lemonade on a hot summer day and realizing you just swallowed four flies who died in the pitcher.

Does that scream “summer fun” or what?

Here is your list for today, guaranteed to eliminate any enjoyment from writing:

  1. Pay no attention to anyone who knows what they are doing – close your eyes and ears to the distractions. After all, you know how to write and know everything about publishing. How hard can it be? Hey, if that football player can write a book, certainly I can!
  2. Treat a book contract like you deserved it – Hey, you have worked hard at writing. You are special. You deserve this. You need to tell people that you are special and you deserve it. Humility is overrated and no fun at all.
  3. Pay no attention to manuscript deadlines – First, you have a life and this manuscript deadline was arbitrary anyway, so forget those people who are waiting for it. Second, see reason number two.
  4. Treat an editor like the enemy – How dare they change my words. This is MY book, not theirs. Okay, so I misspelled a few werds and didn’t get my facts straight and can’t find the source of the quote I used. Details, details. (See #2)
  5. Be too busy for family and friends – I am working hard to hit my deadline (whatever that is), fulfill the contract, must write the book, must get it right, must hit the deadline, must get it right. Do you think I have a clone? This book is too important.
  6. Be too busy to grow spiritually – Serve in the church? I have a book deadline! Small group Bible study? Be serious. I am writing something that will change the world and you want me to stop writing to meet? Come on, I write Bible studies, I don’t use them.
  7. Truly believe your reviews, both good and bad – Woohoo! Bob from Memphis gave me five-stars! I love being an author. Wait. Jan from Denver hated it. One star? I am going to hunt her down.
  8. Determine your value to God by your royalty report – one hundred twenty copies sold last year? That’s it, I give up. God can’t use 120 copies.
  9. Treat a publisher like the enemy – I heard that publishers regularly gather around a boiling kettle and chant spells, throwing eyes of newt into the brew.
  10. Work to develop your craft by yourself – Writers conferences or writer-groups are a waste of my time. They should be paying me to teach, not charging me to attend.
  11. I am on a mission for God – I am God’s messenger to this generation and everyone and everything is either a distraction or threat to my mission. Must destroy them. Spiritual warfare has casualties and it will be them, not me.

Having fun yet?

Read Galatians 5.

 

 

9 Responses to Returning Lemonade to the Lemons

  1. Chris October 28, 2014 at 5:17 am #

    Good job, Dan, making us think twice about our attitudes. We need to know what’s wrong. Sometimes its us.

  2. Sue Raatjes October 28, 2014 at 5:56 am #

    I enjoyed this, Dan–especially about drinking 4 dead flies! Really though, your message comes through clearly. http://www.sueraatjes.blogspot.com

  3. Jennifer Hallmark October 28, 2014 at 6:16 am #

    Your articles always make me smile 🙂

  4. Jeanne Takenaka October 28, 2014 at 6:19 am #

    Dan, you had me laughing out loud. And for the record, that guy’s glasses look thicker than. . . well, they look really thick! Great photo to go with this post.

    Though there was some tongue-in-cheek, your points are taken. I need to keep a good perspective on my writing journey. Keep my priorities straight, and keep God above it all. Thanks for starting my day with a smile. 🙂

  5. John Chisum October 28, 2014 at 7:46 am #

    Thanks for these terrific reminders, Dan! Writing is lonely enough without sour attitudes about it. Well done! Chiz

  6. Pat Lee October 28, 2014 at 10:01 am #

    Still laughing. Great points. But seriously? Four dead flies in the pitcher? Eww!

  7. Heather Day Gilbert October 28, 2014 at 11:18 am #

    LOL–I like the review one. Goodness knows reviews are mercurial and it’s definitely easy to get extremely high and extremely low if you read/believe them all!

  8. Afton Rorvik October 28, 2014 at 2:57 pm #

    I laughed and laughed as I read this, and I also remembered the words God challenged me with this morning in Luke 18:14. Thanks, Dan, for making me laugh and also pulling me back to remember God.

  9. Jenelle. M October 28, 2014 at 5:13 pm #

    Once again, I was giggling and nodding along. Much needed humor on a Tuesday 🙂

    Bravo for wrapping this up with Galatians 5. I have the end of verse 10 highlighted and verse 13 underlined so I meditated on those more. The second half of this chapter speaks to me loudly during this season of life. “You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?” God’s word… how much I take comfort in its Truth!

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