The Perfect Christian Woman … According to Christian Publishing

composed with tongue in cheek by Steve Laube

This lady…

Lives a Purpose Driven Life and
Knows the Power of a Praying Wife.

She practices Five Love Languages and
Will not be Left Behind.

She spent 90 Minutes in Heaven
And is convinced that Heaven is for Real.

She is both Captivating and Radical
Because she Kissed Dating Goodbye and
Has developed a Mary Heart in a Martha World.

She wears Blue Like Jazz and keeps The Shack spotless
While making a Case for Christ.

She secured Dinner with a Perfect Stranger and
Appreciates a man who is Wild at Heart and More Than a Carpenter.

But ultimately the Christian Publisher is most attracted to and admires the perfect Christian woman because she is…




66 Responses to The Perfect Christian Woman … According to Christian Publishing

  1. Jennifer Major March 12, 2012 at 4:19 am #

    Well, that means I’ve been an epic fail all my life! I lie a laundry driven life, I don’t dust my shack. I know ASL and a bit of Spanish and French. And English too. But that’s only 4. I have a heart murmur in a aerobic world. I have my own power tools and I like things tame. I prefer opera to jazz. Now my day is ruined!! Oh well, Jesus thinks I’m to die for.

  2. Timothy Fish March 12, 2012 at 4:41 am #

    Fortunately, she has Love & Respect for a Couragious man who is Fireproof. He makes his living as The Circle Maker, but likes to fish with The Bait of Satan because he spend 23 Minutes in Hell. Because he knows the Lies Women Believe, he always makes time for His Princess and shows her Crazy Love.

    • Stephanie Kane March 12, 2012 at 8:41 am #

      Just as funny as the post!

    • Steve Laube March 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

      Well done! Now I don’t have to come up with the male version of the post…

  3. Sharon A Lavy March 12, 2012 at 5:20 am #

    This is too funny.

  4. Sharon A Lavy March 12, 2012 at 5:21 am #

    This made me smile. Thanks.

  5. Louise Gouge March 12, 2012 at 5:33 am #

    What a great laugh to begin the week! I’m laughing out loud.

  6. Mike Manto March 12, 2012 at 5:39 am #

    … about Amish,
    I was always a huge reader (SF mostly), and when I became a Christian later in life, I naturally started to look into Christian fiction. And one of the first things I noticed when I went to explore the local Christian bookstore for the first time was the plethora of novels with young girls on the cover wearing goofy looking hats…
    Call me crazy, but what gives with all the prairie romances???

    • Dina Sleiman March 12, 2012 at 5:49 am #

      Awesome punchline!

      • gina welborn March 12, 2012 at 12:40 pm #


  7. Michelle Sutton March 12, 2012 at 5:56 am #


  8. Karen Robbins March 12, 2012 at 5:56 am #

    Too good!!

  9. Christy Johnson March 12, 2012 at 5:58 am #

    That’s hysterical Steve!

  10. Laura Kirk March 12, 2012 at 6:01 am #

    Steve, I posted this on Facebook. I usually just provide the link, so they will visit your blog, but, unfortunately no one seems to care to venture from Facebook. But, I did mention that I found it on your blog. Thanks for the laugh!

  11. Nancy B. Kennedy March 12, 2012 at 6:05 am #

    She’s Made to Crave yet already has One Thousand Gifts.

  12. Melissa Finnegan March 12, 2012 at 6:06 am #

    Wasn’t expecting the Amish part at the end. I was pretty good up until that moment. NOT:)

  13. Lindsay Harrel March 12, 2012 at 6:07 am #

    Hilarious!! Thanks for this laugh on a Monday.

  14. Angela Hunt March 12, 2012 at 6:16 am #


  15. Tracey Bateman March 12, 2012 at 6:20 am #


  16. Caroline McAllister March 12, 2012 at 6:22 am #

    That’s great – I love it! Thanks for the smile!

  17. Barb Lilland March 12, 2012 at 6:30 am #

    Thanks for the Monday morning laugh, Steve! A great start to my week!

  18. Marti Pieper March 12, 2012 at 6:39 am #

    A great way to wake up after spring-forward Sunday!

  19. Rachel March 12, 2012 at 6:51 am #

    LOL! Now that was funny…

  20. Tamara Leigh March 12, 2012 at 7:09 am #

    Now that it amazing, Steve! I predict it will go viral.

  21. Pete Missing March 12, 2012 at 7:18 am #

    Very clever, yet it holds a serious message about how we extend the consequences of the tree of knowledge to the redeemed, and impose the kind of condemnation of the written laws of Moses, in our miguidedness. That said every book you quote has merits, it just breaks down when we try to live up to such ideals as natural rather than redeemed souls.

  22. Lyndie Blevins March 12, 2012 at 7:21 am #

    I’m confused, is today Friday?

    • Steve Laube March 12, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

      Oh Lyndie, you caught me. I gave thought whether to save this for Friday or post is on my Monday posting. I opted for today because it is a break from the usual heavy stuff we’ve been writing lately.

  23. Kathy Naugle March 12, 2012 at 7:27 am #

    That’s hilarious!

  24. Robin Patchen March 12, 2012 at 7:28 am #

    So, so funny! Thanks for the laugh.

  25. Niki Turner March 12, 2012 at 7:38 am #

    That was hysterical!

  26. Melissa March 12, 2012 at 7:41 am #


  27. Renee Andrews March 12, 2012 at 8:13 am #

    Love this!

  28. Elizabeth Goddard March 12, 2012 at 8:25 am #

    Brilliant and Hilarious!

  29. Hilarey March 12, 2012 at 8:54 am #

    Well done.

  30. Carrie Padgett March 12, 2012 at 9:13 am #

    BWAHAHAHA! Thanks for the laugh!

  31. Brad Huebert March 12, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    Brilliant. Love it. The first of One Thousand Gifts coming my way today.

  32. Regina Jennings March 12, 2012 at 10:56 am #

    Didn’t see the punch line coming. Hilarious! Thanks.

  33. Ralene B March 12, 2012 at 11:28 am #

    LOL! I needed a good laugh this morning. I am obviously not the perfect woman according to Christian publishing.

  34. TC Avey March 12, 2012 at 11:52 am #

    That’s funny! Thanks!

  35. Rachel Wilder March 12, 2012 at 11:54 am #

    Thanks for the laugh! I’m one of the many people out there who is beyond tired of all the Amish.

  36. Heather Day Gilbert March 12, 2012 at 11:57 am #

    Laughing so hard! Keep that shack clean! Grin. It’s the Amish thing that kills me every time. Probably because the Amish might have something to say about their lives being so romantic all the time…

  37. Naomi Musch March 12, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

    What a great laugh for a dreary Monday! Thanks!

  38. Roberta Hegland March 12, 2012 at 12:09 pm #

    Excellent! Might I add – for the perfect Christian YA fiction crossing over into the secular, you’d be looking for;
    An Amish Zombie.

    • Steve Laube March 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

      Click here for the Amish Vampire novel by Leanna Ellis…

      • Roberta Hegland March 12, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

        This was an idea thrown out at a conference in Washington State two years ago – I’m glad someone ran with the idea. It would have been a fun project to tackle. I do have a character who believes in the zombie apocalypse in one of my novels (I was shocked to find that there is a group of folks who believe this for real).
        Great blog, Steve!

  39. Ruth Douthitt March 12, 2012 at 12:16 pm #

    Too funny!!

  40. Sarah Forgrave March 12, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

    Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

  41. Iola March 12, 2012 at 1:43 pm #

    We are also called To Love, Honor and Vacuum without being Women Who Do Too Much, and without having Children Who Do Too Little.

    Of course, if we were Amish, we never have to vacuum or worry that our children are doing too little, but will forever be doing too much ourselves. Now, must go vacuum…

  42. Jonni McCoy March 12, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

    Steve, I love your creativity! And I am a failure if this was my standard. So glad it is not 🙂

    I would only add two lines:
    She is a Financially Confident Woman
    and she knows how to make Healthy Meals For Less.

    Love your blog!

  43. Sara Baysinger March 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm #


  44. Peter DeHaan March 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm #


    (I was recently browsing my local library for an e-book to borrow and under the category of Christian fiction, it seemed that 90% had an Amish theme.)

  45. Penney Carlton March 12, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

    And she is on a Quest for the Nail Prints!

  46. Margo Carmichael March 12, 2012 at 8:48 pm #

    “AAAAAaaaaaaah!” Runs screaming from the room! LOL

  47. Judy Gordon Morrow March 12, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

    Thanks, Steve, for an extra reason to smile on this Monday. I can’t help but wonder what inspired this burst of fun creativity! Pray tell?

  48. Jessie Gunderson March 13, 2012 at 9:25 am #

    My gosh that’s too funny. What whit and yes, I’m Amish. Okay, not really.

    Good for a giggle and more!

  49. Patrick Craig March 13, 2012 at 10:00 am #

    … or at least “Amish-ish”

  50. Susan Basham March 14, 2012 at 8:48 pm #

    Love that — very clever! As for Amish – my son said, “Mom, if you want a book that sells, write something that will make them want to put a woman in a bonnet on the cover.” I haven’t read a single book about Amish women, and I read alot. I never understood the draw…..I hope that is changing because they still line the Christian bookstore shelves. Real modern day fiction is so much more appealing to me, and most women I know. Let’s hear it for contemporary women’s fiction!!

  51. Connie Terpack December 25, 2013 at 11:47 pm #

    Loved this! I did something similar years ago but with song titles. My husband was a singer back then, and I wrote a “love letter” using the titles of the songs he sang.

  52. Faith Simone January 10, 2014 at 2:02 pm #

    LOL! The final line is a killer…so many Amish people, so little time to write about them.

  53. Carla Jo August 24, 2015 at 8:54 am #

    How long did it take you to come up with this?
    Practiced over time of years?
    Just sat down and let it flow?
    All original?
    A little of this and that heard and added to?

    A lot of years later read and wondered?

    • Steve Laube August 24, 2015 at 9:07 am #

      It took about an hour with a pen and a pad of paper. I was preparing a lecture to a group of editors who work in Christian publishing. I created this as a handout for the beginning of the class as an ice-breaker. It was presented at the ECPA Publishers University (aka PubU).

      Later I thought it might be something fun for our blog readers.

      It is all original.

  54. Barbarann K. Ayars September 29, 2015 at 9:59 am #

    As I have recently been saying a lot, you really are funny. Even when scolding. And better, you encourage humor, coaxing it from others. That’s a true gift. You exercise it well!

  55. Samantha Evans February 4, 2016 at 3:28 pm #

    I clicked on Ten Commandments of Working with an Agent, and this is the article that came up. While, yes, it did make me smile, it did not quite address the questions that I had….

  56. Cindy November 29, 2016 at 11:08 pm #

    Love this. Cracked me up, I believe I read 90% of the books …

  57. claire o'sullivan February 24, 2018 at 8:27 pm #

    I’m still scratching my head over the genre/s Amish vampire/zombie romance…


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