composed with tongue in cheek by Steve Laube
Lives a Purpose Driven Life and
Knows the Power of a Praying Wife.
She practices Five Love Languages and
Will not be Left Behind.
She spent 90 Minutes in Heaven
And is convinced that Heaven is for Real.
She is both Captivating and Radical
Because she Kissed Dating Goodbye and
Has developed a Mary Heart in a Martha World.
She wears Blue Like Jazz and keeps The Shack spotless
While making a Case for Christ.
She secured Dinner with a Perfect Stranger and
Appreciates a man who is Wild at Heart and More Than a Carpenter.
But ultimately the Christian Publisher is most attracted to and admires the perfect Christian woman because she is…
Well, that means I’ve been an epic fail all my life! I lie a laundry driven life, I don’t dust my shack. I know ASL and a bit of Spanish and French. And English too. But that’s only 4. I have a heart murmur in a aerobic world. I have my own power tools and I like things tame. I prefer opera to jazz. Now my day is ruined!! Oh well, Jesus thinks I’m to die for.
Fortunately, she has Love & Respect for a Couragious man who is Fireproof. He makes his living as The Circle Maker, but likes to fish with The Bait of Satan because he spend 23 Minutes in Hell. Because he knows the Lies Women Believe, he always makes time for His Princess and shows her Crazy Love.
Just as funny as the post!
Well done! Now I don’t have to come up with the male version of the post…
Sharon A Lavy
This is too funny.
Sharon A Lavy
This made me smile. Thanks.
What a great laugh to begin the week! I’m laughing out loud.
… about Amish,
I was always a huge reader (SF mostly), and when I became a Christian later in life, I naturally started to look into Christian fiction. And one of the first things I noticed when I went to explore the local Christian bookstore for the first time was the plethora of novels with young girls on the cover wearing goofy looking hats…
Call me crazy, but what gives with all the prairie romances???
That’s hysterical Steve!
Steve, I posted this on Facebook. I usually just provide the link, so they will visit your blog, but, unfortunately no one seems to care to venture from Facebook. But, I did mention that I found it on your blog. Thanks for the laugh!
Nancy B. Kennedy
She’s Made to Crave yet already has One Thousand Gifts.
Wasn’t expecting the Amish part at the end. I was pretty good up until that moment. NOT:)
Hilarious!! Thanks for this laugh on a Monday.
That’s great – I love it! Thanks for the smile!
Thanks for the Monday morning laugh, Steve! A great start to my week!
A great way to wake up after spring-forward Sunday!
LOL! Now that was funny…
Now that it amazing, Steve! I predict it will go viral.
Very clever, yet it holds a serious message about how we extend the consequences of the tree of knowledge to the redeemed, and impose the kind of condemnation of the written laws of Moses, in our miguidedness. That said every book you quote has merits, it just breaks down when we try to live up to such ideals as natural rather than redeemed souls.
I’m confused, is today Friday?
Oh Lyndie, you caught me. I gave thought whether to save this for Friday or post is on my Monday posting. I opted for today because it is a break from the usual heavy stuff we’ve been writing lately.
So, so funny! Thanks for the laugh.
That was hysterical!
Brilliant and Hilarious!
BWAHAHAHA! Thanks for the laugh!
Brilliant. Love it. The first of One Thousand Gifts coming my way today.
Didn’t see the punch line coming. Hilarious! Thanks.
LOL! I needed a good laugh this morning. I am obviously not the perfect woman according to Christian publishing.
That’s funny! Thanks!
Thanks for the laugh! I’m one of the many people out there who is beyond tired of all the Amish.
Heather Day Gilbert
Laughing so hard! Keep that shack clean! Grin. It’s the Amish thing that kills me every time. Probably because the Amish might have something to say about their lives being so romantic all the time…
What a great laugh for a dreary Monday! Thanks!
Excellent! Might I add – for the perfect Christian YA fiction crossing over into the secular, you’d be looking for;
An Amish Zombie.
Click here for the Amish Vampire novel by Leanna Ellis…
This was an idea thrown out at a conference in Washington State two years ago – I’m glad someone ran with the idea. It would have been a fun project to tackle. I do have a character who believes in the zombie apocalypse in one of my novels (I was shocked to find that there is a group of folks who believe this for real).
Great blog, Steve!
Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂
We are also called To Love, Honor and Vacuum without being Women Who Do Too Much, and without having Children Who Do Too Little.
Of course, if we were Amish, we never have to vacuum or worry that our children are doing too little, but will forever be doing too much ourselves. Now, must go vacuum…
Steve, I love your creativity! And I am a failure if this was my standard. So glad it is not 🙂
I would only add two lines:
She is a Financially Confident Woman
and she knows how to make Healthy Meals For Less.
Love your blog!
(I was recently browsing my local library for an e-book to borrow and under the category of Christian fiction, it seemed that 90% had an Amish theme.)
And she is on a Quest for the Nail Prints!
“AAAAAaaaaaaah!” Runs screaming from the room! LOL
Judy Gordon Morrow
Thanks, Steve, for an extra reason to smile on this Monday. I can’t help but wonder what inspired this burst of fun creativity! Pray tell?
My gosh that’s too funny. What whit and yes, I’m Amish. Okay, not really.
Good for a giggle and more!
… or at least “Amish-ish”
Love that — very clever! As for Amish – my son said, “Mom, if you want a book that sells, write something that will make them want to put a woman in a bonnet on the cover.” I haven’t read a single book about Amish women, and I read alot. I never understood the draw…..I hope that is changing because they still line the Christian bookstore shelves. Real modern day fiction is so much more appealing to me, and most women I know. Let’s hear it for contemporary women’s fiction!!
Loved this! I did something similar years ago but with song titles. My husband was a singer back then, and I wrote a “love letter” using the titles of the songs he sang.
LOL! The final line is a killer…so many Amish people, so little time to write about them.
How long did it take you to come up with this?
Practiced over time of years?
Just sat down and let it flow?
A little of this and that heard and added to?
A lot of years later read and wondered?
It took about an hour with a pen and a pad of paper. I was preparing a lecture to a group of editors who work in Christian publishing. I created this as a handout for the beginning of the class as an ice-breaker. It was presented at the ECPA Publishers University (aka PubU).
Later I thought it might be something fun for our blog readers.
It is all original.
Barbarann K. Ayars
As I have recently been saying a lot, you really are funny. Even when scolding. And better, you encourage humor, coaxing it from others. That’s a true gift. You exercise it well!
I clicked on Ten Commandments of Working with an Agent, and this is the article that came up. While, yes, it did make me smile, it did not quite address the questions that I had….
Love this. Cracked me up, I believe I read 90% of the books …
I’m still scratching my head over the genre/s Amish vampire/zombie romance…
Michael LaRocca, Business Editor
Amish vampire romance? That’s a new one on me. I must be looking at the wrong shelves.