Why I Wouldn’t Represent Bible People

Taking a cue from the media ads for various prescription drugs, including a legal disclaimer in any communication protects everyone from legal jeopardy or in this case, condemnation.

God inspired the Bible and the thoughts expressed in it are exactly as God intended. No one shall add or take away anything. The following satire is intended for entertainment value only. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of any other person on the planet. If you take this too seriously, you need to get outside more.

I realize good satire doesn’t need to be announced ahead of time. But since I am not a writer of good satire, I feel compelled to do so, since our sound-bitten, share-a-phrase-out-of-context-on-Twitter communications culture could make me look pretty crazy after writing this post. And trust me, I don’t need to be made to look crazier than I am.

So, here we go… Why I, as a literary agent, wouldn’t represent various writers of Scripture and other Bible people:

Moses

Sketchy background. Accused of killing a man then fled the jurisdiction and never brought to justice. Claims to have spoken directly to God and hears from him regularly. Is relentless until he gets his own way. Nothing but negative comments from surviving members of Pharaoh’s court. Could be a very high maintenance author.

Joseph

An interesting man for sure, but for all the good stories he has to tell, there is still the unresolved charges brought by a Mrs. Potiphar. Frequent visions put his sanity in question. Complicated relationship with family could cause permissions issues with stories he might write.

Joshua

Strong personality but killed a lot of people.  Honestly, I’m a little afraid of the man. Claims to have stopped the sun from moving for a period. Sure, like that ever happened. Probably exaggerates wildly. I would question his honesty and integrity.

Daniel

Good guy but claims to have visions and makes frequent predictions. Authors who make predictions are difficult to work with. He might need to pass a drug test before anyone agrees to publish him. According to references in Babylonia, he doesn’t compromise what he believes in, which might make him difficult in the editorial process.

David

Where do I start? Famous guy with a super platform, but he’s got issues. Seems to be constantly making mistakes and apologizing. Would probably get a contract cancelled for some moral failing. Frankly, some of the things he has done would make Godly people embarrassed to read.

Solomon

Yikes. The wives, the concubines, the whole Ecclesiastes dark perspective and then the Song of Solomon project would be reason enough for a Christian publisher to never publish him. Some things should not be covered in a Christian book. Sure, a wise guy with deep things to say, but you just know one of his wives would do a tell-all book and blow it all up.

Matthew

Writing out of his field. Should be writing about finance and business ethics, not history. Based on his past as a tax collector, he probably has integrity issues.

Luke

Same general issues as Matthew. Should be writing about medical issues, not history. No platform for a book about Jesus’ life. Book of Acts is completely out of his area of expertise. Should not have been involved in the Bible project in the first place.

Peter

No theological credentials or platform. Should never be published. Emotionally unstable. Definitely a high-maintenance client. Might be your best friend one day and deny he knows you the next.

Paul

Potentially a best-selling author, but more trouble than he is worth. Really knows his stuff, but he invokes God’s leading at the drop of a hat, and there’s the issue of standing idly by as Stephen was martyred. Has all the credentials, but will be a problem for editors. Constantly in trouble with the law. A nightmare for publisher PR departments. Disappears on trips for years at a time. Nine-year period in Tarsus still unaccounted for professionally. Too high-maintenance.

 

38 Responses to Why I Wouldn’t Represent Bible People

  1. Avatar
    sdorman September 6, 2016 at 4:10 am #

    Are agencies such as yours open to representing satire?

    • Dan Balow
      Dan Balow September 6, 2016 at 5:06 am #

      Like everything…it depends. The author, the writing, the subject.

      • Avatar
        sdorman September 6, 2016 at 2:31 pm #

        Relevant to author, the writing, and subject, bit more on this?

  2. Avatar
    Brennan S. McPherson September 6, 2016 at 4:41 am #

    HAH! This is absolutely hilarious, Dan! Joshua’s my favorite. 🙂 Also love the Song of Solomon comment.

  3. Avatar
    Deb Gardner Allard September 6, 2016 at 5:42 am #

    I love satire! Great job! Can’t pick just one I like the most. All are funny!

  4. Avatar
    Steve Hooley September 6, 2016 at 5:55 am #

    Great post, Dan

    With credentials like the shady characters you described, yet contributing authors to the number one book of all time, I guess there is hope for all of us.

  5. Avatar
    Richard Mabry September 6, 2016 at 6:02 am #

    Dan, although some of us recognize satire and laugh at/with it, others don’t seem to, so I can understand why you put a disclaimer at the start of this post. Personally, I love it. Thanks for helping me start this second Monday of the week with a chuckle.

  6. Avatar
    Kenneth Kinghorn September 6, 2016 at 6:29 am #

    Quite clever, Dan. Sounds like a 21st century editorial comment in a daily newspaper. Nice work!

  7. Avatar
    Katie Powner September 6, 2016 at 6:39 am #

    Looks like I’m out of luck for representation, then.

    • Dan Balow
      Dan Balow September 6, 2016 at 6:52 am #

      Agents and publishers require near-perfection. Thankfully, God doesn’t!

  8. Avatar
    Rebekah Love Dorris September 6, 2016 at 6:40 am #

    Hahahahaha! There is hope for me!

  9. Avatar
    Schuyler McConkey September 6, 2016 at 6:46 am #

    This is so funny! I loved it. 🙂

  10. Avatar
    Jeanne Takenaka September 6, 2016 at 7:25 am #

    Too funny, Dan. David’s made me grin big. This is truly a great way begin a Monday morning. 🙂

  11. Dan Balow
    Dan Balow September 6, 2016 at 7:58 am #

    By the way, disclaimer #2: No conclusion should be drawn by not including any women in the list. However, I did hear about an unmarried teenager giving birth in the New Testament and still being considered blessed by God. I guess she is pretty important.

    Interesting.

    Maybe God has different standards than us…hmmm.

  12. Avatar
    Jaime September 6, 2016 at 8:01 am #

    Love this! My staff is wondering why I’m laughing all by myself in my office!

  13. Avatar
    Deanna Fugett September 6, 2016 at 8:35 am #

    This made me chuckle. You’re better at satire than you think.

  14. Avatar
    Joyce September 6, 2016 at 9:16 am #

    I woke up this morning in a blue funk about being a writer. Then I read your post. Thank you for making me laugh when I was taking myself too seriously.

  15. Avatar
    Michael Emmanuel September 6, 2016 at 9:24 am #

    So, I had a good laugh. Thank you Dan. Never had I seen Bible people in such lens.

  16. Avatar
    Michael Emmanuel September 6, 2016 at 9:24 am #

    So, I had a good laugh. Thank you Dan. Never had I seen Bible people through such lens.

  17. Avatar
    Sheri Dean Parmelee September 6, 2016 at 9:53 am #

    Too funny, Dan! Thanks for brightening my day!

  18. Avatar
    Brad September 6, 2016 at 10:22 am #

    How about King Saul:

    Good prospect – spirit filled. Huge platform. Acknowledges humble beginnings. Compromiser. Willing to step in when others fail to show up on time. Does what’s needed to hold his ventures together. Doesn’t follow directions blindly but interprets intent. Loves and saves animals. Knows which battles to fight and when a challenge is too large; a team player. Natural competitor, will do whatever it takes. A people-pleaser. Moody, but sign him.

    • Avatar
      Rebekah September 6, 2016 at 11:03 am #

      Boom. Goes. The. Dynamite.

      Isaiah 55:8

  19. Avatar
    Murray Grossan September 6, 2016 at 10:44 am #

    Really enjoyed this. By coincidence this is exactly the way my Fairy Tales for Today are written
    Would love to forward them to this author

  20. Avatar
    Candy Nichols September 6, 2016 at 11:05 am #

    I’m sunk!

  21. Avatar
    Tisha Martin September 6, 2016 at 11:17 am #

    Dan, that’s awesome. Paul’s satire was my favorite. Poor guy. I can just see a novella written on these Bible people.

    Still, I wonder what satires you could create from the ladies of the Bible? I wouldn’t trust Sapphira because she’d take everything back, contract and all, without a word, AND keep the money; and Jezebel–good grief–would just turn around and rend the business to shreds, smiling as she did it.

    Probably about the only female Bible character you could represent in good faith is Esther. She’d pray for and encourage you, all the while looking out for herself and those she loved, too. 😉

    Thanks for the enjoyment and snickers, Dan.

    • Dan Balow
      Dan Balow September 6, 2016 at 11:25 am #

      Great point. We need more authors like Esther.

  22. Avatar
    Judith Robl September 6, 2016 at 1:16 pm #

    Great post, Dan. I love both satire and sarcasm.

  23. Avatar
    David Barkey September 6, 2016 at 1:48 pm #

    Just proves that God uses rather strange, out-of-the-ordinary people who might not pass muster in our world to carry out His purposes. There’s room for all of us.

  24. Avatar
    Carol Ashby September 6, 2016 at 1:55 pm #

    Rahab should be a good client for you, Dan. Already an entrepreneur, so she understands marketing and will do whatever it takes. She also knew how to pick the winning team to play on. Of course, she did betray her first community, but they didn’t deserve her loyalty, anyway.

  25. Avatar
    Shelley Neese September 6, 2016 at 6:02 pm #

    I would add to that the Prophet Jeremiah. He is so pessimistic and always waving the white flag. He roams around the streets of Jerusalem calling on everyone to repent. No one wants to invite a buzz kill like him to a party. They prefer nationalist revolutionaries, calling their citizens to rise up against oppression. A guy who tells everyone to submit to a heavy yoke of oppression is seriously lacking inspiration. That is, unless, he was proven right.

  26. Avatar
    Rebekah Dorris September 6, 2016 at 6:24 pm #

    Hosea:

    Serious questions about his choice of life partner. Family matters taint his credibility. Unwillingness to promote himself might make marketing difficult. Time spent chasing his wife hinders his professionalism.

    I guess as long as we follow the script Jesus shows us, He will make our stories timeless. He is the Author and Finisher! We’re just the jokes 😀 Pretty encouraging; thanks!

  27. Avatar
    Debby Willett September 6, 2016 at 7:07 pm #

    Our FATHER, Creator gave us each a wonderful sense of humor, else satire wouldn’t be around.

    Dan, just so you know, as a Christian woman, I found your satirical writing solely based on lack of originality.
    If you don’t want to work with a Christian writer, then please say so with out using Biblical history!
    From Moses through Paul they were good enough for GOD.
    How’s your relationship with your CREATOR?

  28. Avatar
    Wanda Griffith September 7, 2016 at 9:13 am #

    This was the first article I read early this morning as I started my day.

    Still half asleep with only a few sips of coffee in me; I made the mistake
    of thinking you were saying you would not represent Christian writers.

    After more coffee, I realized that was not what you meant at all. Sorry!

    I am awake now, and I must say this article is great! Enjoyable read this morning. Thanks!

  29. Avatar
    Cindy Burrell September 7, 2016 at 11:27 am #

    Just decided to go searching for a Christian literary agent and stumbled onto this piece – clever, insightful and downright funny! I suppose none of us is really qualified to write when we see ourselves this way.

    Yet off we go, praying that God blesses the work He has given us, intent on serving THE AUTHOR and perfecter of our faith!

    Your light-hearted perspective made my day. Thanks.

    Cindy Burrell

  30. Avatar
    Bob Boeck September 7, 2016 at 5:07 pm #

    Agree with your comment. That’s why our church wouldn’t even consider Paul as an elder. Consider his background; persecuting Christians. What would such a man have to offer a church? Hmmm. Bob

  31. Avatar
    Mark Warner September 10, 2016 at 3:14 am #

    You should submit this to Babylon Bee.

  32. Avatar
    Ruth Logan Herne September 21, 2016 at 12:29 pm #

    Hysterical…. and wildly true.

    Laughing and glad that God is God and doesn’t leave the big stuff up to us humans!

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