Say you wanted to enroll in studies at a respected educational institution—let’s call it Wisenheimer Academy for Clever Kids. You might expect to take an entrance exam to determine your degree of fitness for WACK, right? Just as you would to begin training for ministry, law enforcement, or interplanetary space travel.
Oddly, though, there is no entrance exam for writers. Until now.
That’s right. Thanks to this website, you can, with a modest investment of time and effort, determine your fitness to pursue the writing life. The following questions may reinforce your confidence in writing for publication–or save you much time and trouble by steering you away and into an easier, more rewarding line of work, such as lumberjack or Alaskan crab fisherperson.
Simply answer yes or no to the following questions, and calculate the results when you’re done:
- Do you love words? Sentences? Paragraphs?
- Do you have a favorite punctuation mark?
- Do you drink too much coffee? Or tea? Or wine?
- Are you constantly feeling assaulted by spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors in magazines, newspapers, billboards, cereal boxes, and protest signs?
- Do you talk back to the television or movie screen to complain about poor characterization, unrealistic dialogue, and plot holes?
- Do you sometimes imagine story lines for strangers you see in stores, on the street, or on planes?
- Do you sometimes think, in the midst of a great or terrible experience, “I can use this?”
- Do you feel a rush when you enter a bookstore or office supply store?
- Do you critique birthday, Christmas, and anniversary cards you receive, thinking, I could’ve written a better greeting than that?
- Do you lose track of time when you’re on a writing tear?
- Does your Amazon delivery driver know your name?
- Does a word or idea often keep you awake—or wake you—at night?
- Have you cried because of something a character in your story did?
- Have you ever used toilet paper or a cash-register receipt as a bookmark?
- When you’re writing, do you alternate between “This is the best thing anyone’s ever written” and “This is the worst thing anyone’s ever written?”
- Have you ever named a pet after a character in literature?
- Have you ever named a child after a character in literature?
- Do family members refuse to play with you in Scrabble?
- Do you resent your parents for giving you a happy childhood?
- Have you ever used laundry, dirty dishes, or alphabetizing your canned goods as a distraction from writing?
Now, total your “yes” answers. How did you do?
5 or less = What kind of monster are you?
6-10 = You’re a writer.
11-15 = You should be in therapy.
16-20 = Forget therapy; it’s too late for you.