Bob Hostetler

The Author’s Life in 39 Easy Steps

By Bob Hostetleron August 22, 2018

Someday I ought to write a book.

Woohoo! I’ve just started writing a book! I deserve some ice cream.

I’m so excited, things are going great.

Writing is hard.

No, writing is cool. I’m having the time of my life.

Writing is hard. I should just give up.

I’m almost done with my first book. Writing is so fun. I have written 4,000 words! I deserve some ice cream.

I just found out books are usually a lot longer than 4,000 words. I have no idea what I’m doing. I should just give up.

I have lost all sense of direction and perspective. I have no idea if this is any good or not.

I showed my writing to someone and she loved it! I’m going to be famous. I deserve some ice cream.

I showed my writing to someone else and he pointed out a few problems. I’m horrible and I hate writing.

I finished my whole manuscript! I’m an author! I deserve some ice cream.

Someone said I should probably go through my manuscript looking for mistakes, but that’s crazy, I didn’t make any mistakes.

I’ve started going through my manuscript and I made a million mistakes! I have no idea what I’m doing. I should just give up.

Okay, maybe it’s not as bad as I thought.

Okay, I think it’s so much worse than I thought. Writing is hard.

The second draft is finished. I’m finally done. I deserve some ice cream.

I think it’s ready to submit to agents and editors, so I’m taking it to a writer’s conference to shop it around.

I just got back from the writer’s conference. I have no idea what I’m doing. I should just give up.

Maybe I can survive just one more draft.

Repeat #3-18.

Someone is finally interested in my book! I’m going to be rich and famous! I deserve some ice cream.

No they’re not. I should just give up.

Repeat #22-23. As necessary. Ad infinitum, even.

Someone is interested in my book, but they want changes. Lots of them. I clearly have no idea what I’m doing. I should just give up.

The rewrite is finished. I’m finally done. I deserve some ice cream.

Woohoo! I’ve been offered a contract! I’m an author! I’m going to be rich and famous! I deserve some ice cream.

Another rewrite? You must be kidding. I clearly have no idea what I’m doing. I should just give up.

I finally finished the rewrite. I’m finally done. I’m exhausted and I have lost all sense of direction and perspective. I have no idea if this is any good or not.

I’m so relieved to be finished with this book. I deserve some ice cream.

Edits? I thought this thing was finished. Now I have to review all these edits? And comments? This will take forever. I have no idea what I’m doing. I should just give up.

Okay, that’s it. Finished. Kaput. What a relief. I deserve some ice cream.

Oh for crying out loud. I just got these things called galleys and I’m supposed to respond WHEN? Who has time for all this?

Finally done. Finished. Kaput. What a relief. I can finally relax and enjoy a little ice cream.

This is so exciting. I can’t wait to hold this book in my hands.

Influencers? Endorsements? Marketing? What’s that? I have no idea what I’m doing.

Reviews? Pre-orders? Blog tours? Sales rankings? Book launch? What’s all that? I have no idea what I’m doing.

My books are here! My books are here! My books are here! I deserve some ice cream.

How is there a typo in this cotton-picking thing?

Don’t Write Your Bio, Write a “Why Me?”

By Bob Hostetleron August 8, 2018

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, writers who were pitching their articles or books to editors and agents included in the query or proposal a “bio” paragraph. These writers would include such things as their education, previous publishing credits, and whatever other claims to fame they could cite. Some still do that, but for many years now my recommendation has been not to write a “bio” …

Category: Book Proposals, Branding, Marketing, Pitch, PitchingTag: Author Bio, book proposal, Pitching

A Literary Agent’s Prayer

By Bob Hostetleron August 1, 2018

God, Who used words to speak the whole universe into existence, Who chose human language to communicate Divine truths, Who wrote your commandments on tablets of stone, And inspired mere mortals to publish your immortal and eternal Word, hear my prayer. ___ I am your servant, and I am a literary agent. Lord, help me. Grant that even with all the words and sentences, paragraphs and pages I must read …

Category: Agents, FaithTag: Agents

How to Annoy Your (Fiction) Readers

By Bob Hostetleron July 25, 2018

Some people are more annoying than others—and you know who you are. And some writers are more annoying than others—and you may not know who you are. So I’m here to help. Here are six ways writers of fiction can annoy the heck out of the readers: Give your characters similar or hard-to-pronounce names Fantasy writers, I’m talking to you. How in the world am I supposed to pronounce Fleurxgh? Sure, I …

Category: Craft, Writing CraftTag: fiction, Writing Craft

A Writer’s Beatitudes

By Bob Hostetleron July 18, 2018

In the famous “Sermon on the Mount” passage in the Bible’s Gospel of Matthew, Jesus presented a series of eight “beatitudes.” Each was a saying that turned conventional wisdom on its head, showing how in God’s eyes the oppressed are blessed and the despised are prized. No one can improve on those inspired beatitudes, of course. But what if we tried to capture their perspective and redirected them …

Category: Creativity, Inspiration, The Writing Life, TheologyTag: Creativity, Inspiration, The Writing Life

The Art of the Sentence

By Bob Hostetleron July 11, 2018

A month or so ago I asked some social media friends what sentence from a book rocked their world. The replies were delightful, and I shared some of them in my June 27 post on this site, titled “In Praise of Memorable Sentences.” There were too many, however, to include them all at that time, so I offer the rest below, with the author, title, and (in parentheses) the friend who …

Category: Craft, Writing CraftTag: Craft, Sentences, Writing Craft

In Praise of Memorable Sentences

By Bob Hostetleron June 27, 2018

In her book, The Writing Life, Annie Dillard tells the story of a well-known writer who was collared by a university student, who asked, “Do you think I could be a writer?” “Well,” the writer said, “I don’t know…. Do you like sentences?” Dillard continues: The writer could see the student’s amazement. Sentences? Do I like sentences? I am twenty years old and do I like sentences? If he had liked …

Category: Language, Reading, The Writing Life, Writing CraftTag: Language, Reading, Writing Craft

How an Agent Reads

By Bob Hostetleron June 20, 2018

I’m seldom at a loss for words (though often at a loss for something of value to say), but the question took me aback for a moment. I was on an agents-and-editors panel at a writers’ conference within a few months of becoming an agent. I’d done this sort of panel before, both as a magazine editor and author, but this was the first time I’d been asked this particular question: “How do you read a …

Category: Agents, Book Proposals, Get Published, Marketing, PlatformTag: Agents, book proposals, Get Published

What Does Your Reader Need?

By Bob Hostetleron June 13, 2018

I attend many writers’ conferences, as an author, speaker, and agent. As a result, I meet and become friends with many fine people and outstanding writers. At a recent gathering, I enjoyed a spirited and stimulating conversation with an aspiring author who has a passion for reaching readers with the good news of Jesus Christ. I identify with that. But I’m not sure we ever got onto the same page, …

Category: Book Proposals, Conferences, Pitch, Pitching, The Writing LifeTag: Audience, book proposals, pitch, Pitching, readers