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Home » Humor » Page 5

Humor

Why I Wouldn’t Represent Bible People

By Dan Balowon September 6, 2016
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Taking a cue from the media ads for various prescription drugs, including a legal disclaimer in any communication protects everyone from legal jeopardy or in this case, condemnation.

God inspired the Bible and the thoughts expressed in it are exactly as God intended. No one shall add or take away anything. The following satire is intended for entertainment value only. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of any other person on the planet. If you take this too seriously, you need to get outside more.

I realize good satire doesn’t need to be announced ahead of time. But since I am not a writer of good satire, I feel compelled to do so, since our sound-bitten, share-a-phrase-out-of-context-on-Twitter communications culture could make me look pretty crazy after writing this post. And trust me, I don’t need to be made to look crazier than I am.

So, here we go… Why I, as a literary agent, wouldn’t represent various writers of Scripture and other Bible people:

Moses

Sketchy background. Accused of killing a man then fled the jurisdiction and never brought to justice. Claims to have spoken directly to God and hears from him regularly. Is relentless until he gets his own way. Nothing but negative comments from surviving members of Pharaoh’s court. Could be a very high maintenance author.

Joseph

An interesting man for sure, but for all the good stories he has to tell, there is still the unresolved charges brought by a Mrs. Potiphar. Frequent visions put his sanity in question. Complicated relationship with family could cause permissions issues with stories he might write.

Joshua

Strong personality but killed a lot of people.  Honestly, I’m a little afraid of the man. Claims to have stopped the sun from moving for a period. Sure, like that ever happened. Probably exaggerates wildly. I would question his honesty and integrity.

Daniel

Good guy but claims to have visions and makes frequent predictions. Authors who make predictions are difficult to work with. He might need to pass a drug test before anyone agrees to publish him. According to references in Babylonia, he doesn’t compromise what he believes in, which might make him difficult in the editorial process.

David

Where do I start? Famous guy with a super platform, but he’s got issues. Seems to be constantly making mistakes and apologizing. Would probably get a contract cancelled for some moral failing. Frankly, some of the things he has done would make Godly people embarrassed to read.

Solomon

Yikes. The wives, the concubines, the whole Ecclesiastes dark perspective and then the Song of Solomon project would be reason enough for a Christian publisher to never publish him. Some things should not be covered in a Christian book. Sure, a wise guy with deep things to say, but you just know one of his wives would do a tell-all book and blow it all up.

Matthew

Writing out of his field. Should be writing about finance and business ethics, not history. Based on his past as a tax collector, he probably has integrity issues.

Luke

Same general issues as Matthew. Should be writing about medical issues, not history. No platform for a book about Jesus’ life. Book of Acts is completely out of his area of expertise. Should not have been involved in the Bible project in the first place.

Peter

No theological credentials or platform. Should never be published. Emotionally unstable. Definitely a high-maintenance client. Might be your best friend one day and deny he knows you the next.

Paul

Potentially a best-selling author, but more trouble than he is worth. Really knows his stuff, but he invokes God’s leading at the drop of a hat, and there’s the issue of standing idly by as Stephen was martyred. Has all the credentials, but will be a problem for editors. Constantly in trouble with the law. A nightmare for publisher PR departments. Disappears on trips for years at a time. Nine-year period in Tarsus still unaccounted for professionally. Too high-maintenance.

 

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Category: Agents, Humor, PlatformTag: Humor, Platform

You Say Tomato, I Hear Guacamole

By Dan Balowon April 5, 2016
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I have a hearing problem. My ears are fine. For some reason listening to songs like Smoke on the Water and LaGrange on my headphones forty years ago had little or no effect on my eardrums. But over the years, I’ve begun to hear something different than what is being spoken. Come to think about it, maybe it was Deep Purple and ZZ Top that caused this. Politician says: “I can solve the problem.” I …

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Category: Agency, Communication, HumorTag: Communication, Humor

A Sensational New Market for Books is Found

By Dan Balowon April 1, 2016
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In a startling revelation this week, the Foundation for Applied Knowledge and Enterprise (FAKE) in Danville, Delaware released the findings of their ten-year research study to identify unreached markets for printed books. Since the human market has been fully reached with books, the methodology used by FAKE was to determine which species of life on earth was advanced enough to warrant creating …

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Category: Fun Fridays, HumorTag: Humor

Zip It Mr. Galilei

By Dan Balowon February 16, 2016
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Did you ever tell someone, “Don’t feel that way” and not get the best reaction? In the same vein is “Don’t be that way.” Honestly, I could never figure that one out. Feels like a philosophical conundrum of the highest order. Telling someone not to be. Four hundred years ago this week in 1616, Cardinal Bellarmine, representing the Catholic Church, issued an order to astronomer Galileo Galilei that …

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Category: Book Business, Branding, Contracts, Economics, Get Published, Humor, Indie, Marketing, The Publishing LifeTag: Book Business, The Publishing Life

The Sound of Words

By Karen Ballon February 10, 2016
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One of the things I love most about working with words is that I will never reach the point where I can say, “There, now. I’ve learned it all.” Love, love learning new things. Especially when it’s something I can share with all of you. So, have you ever heard of phonesthesia or sound symbolism? Basically, it’s the idea that the sound of a word plays into it’s perceived meaning. That there are …

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Category: Communication, Craft, Creativity, Editing, Humor, LanguageTag: Language, words

Nuclear Santa

By Dan Balowon December 22, 2015
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Sixty years ago this week in 1955, Sears Roebuck ran the following print ad in a Colorado Springs newspaper: What a lovely thought. Santa (the real one, not some department store fake) announcing “Hey Kiddies! Call me direct.” There was only one problem, the phone number was already taken by the Continental Air Defense Command in Colorado Springs, the predecessor to the North American Air Defense …

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Category: HumorTag: Christmas, Humor

Silly Saturday – Dec. 19, 2015

By Steve Laubeon December 19, 2015
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I couldn’t resist posting this oldie but goodie. Silent Monks singing!

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Category: Fun Fridays, Humor

Duh Blog

By Dan Balowon September 1, 2015
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Kyle Idelman’s AHA: The God Moment That Changes Everything (David C. Cook, 2014) is my inspiration today. If ever I write a book, it will be DUH: The Things That Never Change (Big Publisher, 20??) Today, I will reveal those things that are absolute truth that everyone should know. If you don’t, I have no advice for you. DUH would not be a self-help book because it doesn’t suggest a solution to any …

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Category: HumorTag: Humor

When It’s One of THOSE Days…

By Karen Ballon June 3, 2015
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I won’t ask if you’ve ever had “one of those days.” You’re in publishing. Of course you have. Probably on a far too regular basis. I totally understand. In fact, my most recent “one of those days” is today. You know what it’s like. You have your little “To Do” list all laid out, and you’re up early, equipped with coffee and ready to dive in, when it happens. Life. And suddenly your plans are out …

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Category: Career, HumorTag: Humor, The Writing Life

April Fools, the Writer’s Way

By Karen Ballon April 1, 2015
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Many years ago, while I was working at Tyndale House Publishers as their senior editor for books, one of my author’s titles released in late March. A few days later, on April Fool’s Day, inspiration hit. Being the serious-minded, somber person that I am, I sent an email. It was addressed to one Mr. James Watkins, whom many of you know is a humor writer, and who loves to tease others–and who …

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Category: HumorTag: April Fool's, Humor
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